Walking Dead. For Mookychick. Nothing to do with Charmed, or indeed Rose McGowan.

Oh Blimey!

So, as some of you might have noticed, this has happened:

I confess Walking Dead caught me a bit wrong-footed. With most Image books, I have a tendency to see how it is by the time issue 5 or 6 roll around. The majority of the issue 1′s they knock out are usually, with a few exceptions such as Shaky + Dave’s ‘Bulletproof Coffin’, Christian Ward and Nick Spencer’s Infinite Vacation,  or Brubaker and Phillips’s Fatale, an exercise in substandard genre fiction. But Walking Dead took advantage of its lack or merchandising cash cows by simply writing with the underlying creed: ‘No One Is Safe!’

And by Golly, they certainly weren’t. I’m not the sort of git who’ll spoil plot points for those of you just getting into Walking Dead via the TV Show or Game, but I will say don’t get attached to…er..anyone. It’s a strong series, but much like Cerebus, doesn’t benefit for reading single issues at a time. ( Cerebus’s letters page was thought-provoking, hilarious and contentious. The Walking Dead’s..not so much.) It does also fall into repetition somewhat. Rick & Co find a place. It’s really nice. Things go wrong. Someone you like dies. Rick starts shouting about the fact that the internet’s not coming back, or something. Then some lesson is learned and they move on.

Replace with NOT MY HAND!, I MISS ANGRY BIRDS! or I CAN HAZ CRAZY SHOUTINGS! as necessary.

This is all leading to the arrival of whoever’s left alive making it to Washington D.C, where the general idea is that it’ll be better prepared for the zombie outbreak and be a safe haven for the survivors. As I write this, We’re a couple of months away from Walking Dead 100 where something…big is promised, but given the sheer amount of horrible things that have happened to the cast, I’m genuinely at a loss to guess what could be done to the poor blighters who inhabit Kirkman’s universe that we haven’t seen yet.

Then there was the TV show….

I really tried to like this, but it was incredibly sedate. Even points that were meant to be both high-octane and morally vague just seemed tedious and also, the theme of the comic seems to be trying to work out if A) Has Rick had a nervous breakdown, given everything he’s seen? B) If so, when did it happen? and C) Will anything happen without Rick turning into some deranged combination of a Town Crier and the last dregs of Speaker’s Corner?

In the TV show, all of the unrest and difficulty seems to have shunted onto Shane, which seems a bit of a cop-out. I got one episode into Season 2 and realised I just didn’t care what happened to, well, anyone. I’m guessing that rooting for the zombies isn’t what you’re meant to be doing, but…

So I was fine with just reading the issues as and when they came in, and then the game popped up on my XBox Live screen. And I was…curious, to say the least. In comics, the idea of a comic dealing with the lives of people surviving the zombie apocalypse hasn’t been tried on such a large scale, and certainly not with the depth of characterization that Kirkman brings to his cast. Equally on TV, the last few years of horror style fiction has been tweened up with a combination of mouthy young people and tweeness that something as potentially brutal as Walking Dead must look like Leatherface invading a very special episode of ‘Glee’ in comparison…

MORE THAN A FEELING THIS!

But in the world of videogames? Frankly, we’re so used to having our nerves shredded to nothing thanks to things like Portal, Silent Hill,  Half-Life 2, Manhunt, Quake…A PLETHORA of virtual narratives exist in order for those of who like nothing more than being petrfied out of our wits at 2am for no good reason. So, already The Walking Dead game is up against stiff competition.

But then, um, it’s not like The Xbox nor the PS3 are bereft of Zombie games, either. From the clowning, pervy slapstick of Dead Rising, to the fear of hearing the Hunter in the distance  and the joy of slinging a molotov at a fat bloke from Left4Dead to the tropical running about of Dead Island with added joy of running over zombies with a pick up truck, or even just throwing a box at their heads.  Even Red Dead Redemption offers the brillant DLC of ‘Undead Nightmare’ which allows you to chase zombie bears about on one of the Four Horses Of The Apocalypse. I did wonder what ‘Walking Dead’ was going to offer me that hadn’t been covered by other games, so, I downloaded the demo...

And, um..

Okay, this ‘Download your game in bits’ idea is an…intrguing one. I’m not a huge fan of having games I can’t trade in taking up space on my hard drive , to be honest. I’m assuming there’ll be some kind of Game Of the Year Edition in time for Christmas. Having watched the teaser trailer, I had a fair idea what to expect.  So, just to remind myself what I had done, I tweeted while I played:

‘Apparently, I am an idiot alcoholic who shouts his postion for zombies to hear + sees tea sets + thinks of bourbon.’

Oh, yeah. So, it kicks off with lots of zombies chasing me, who is a black guy with an injured leg. After panicing a bit, and seeing both a tree I could climb up and a house I can try  to hide inside, I decide to crouch by a porch in plain view. Because. It is incredibly dark despite being mid afternoon. The zombies decide they are bored of their ravenous hunger and just..amble off. Again, Because. Oh look. A teaset. If I had Bourbon, i could drink it out of the tea set.

So, despite the incredible luck of running into history’s only recorded case of bored zombies, I decide to start shouting. I am actually shouting at my Xbox at this point, with the general emphasis being ‘PLEASE STOP TELLING ANY POTENTIAL FLESH-EATERS MY LOCATION!’ And then I ind out what makes The Walking Dead different to other zombie games. That bloody point and click system. Wave your virtual cross hair at a thing and watch as your avatar reacts to it. Which,  um, isn’t quite as enticing, to be honest.

And not helped by the fact that your man appears to be channeling the spirit of Maniac Mansion with his sarcasm. The only things you seem to be able to do at the off are look at a treehouse, a tea set or a swimming pool. Finally, you point your crosshair and the camera decides it’s going to shoot you from the arse, following you as you walk to the door at, er, arse height.

Walking Dwarf more like! AMIRITE?

‘COLOURING BOOK OF OMINOUS!’

Then you look at a colouring book. Frightened? I nearly made a cup of tea. Look at drawer. Retrive thing. Nothing in there. Or there. Hmm. there’s some arsing about until you..fall over?

I HAVE FALLEN. BECAUSE!

Then, after meeting the stupid anchor that you’ll have to look after to make the game more difficult than it needs to be (or ‘Clemetine’ as the game insists or calling it) via a walkie-talkie..

‘I am not a monster.’ You may have guessed this from my use of English as opposed to ‘MUUURGH!’

You meet your 1st zombie. FINALLY, some action, as the undead baby sitter knocks you to the floor as you are the only thing keeping the child from being supper, you wave your crosshair in the face of the zombie and kick her in the face and..

‘Jesus, I must have kicked this bitch in the head ten times now!’

Older readers may remember the Fighting Fantasy series of non-linear books. You’d read through an adventure, then make choices based on what you could do. To pick one option, you’d have to turn to a different page. That choice could lead you to death or further into the game. If this segment were a Fighting Fantasy game, it’d read like this:

P13:

‘The zombie shambles across your legs, her teeth snapping, Only you stand between the undead and the child becoming it’s latest, tasty victim. To KICK the zombie in the FACE, Turn to Page 94.

P94:

Your boot catches the jaw of the zombie, it groans and lurches back towards you. Turn to Page 13.

P13:

‘The zombie shambles across your legs, her teeth snapping, Only you stand between the undead and the child becoming it’s latest, tasty victim. To KICK the zombie in the FACE, Turn to Page 94.

P94:

Your boot catches the jaw of the zombie, it groans and lurches back towards you. Turn to Page 13.

And repeat for ten minutes til finally you work out what you’re MEANT to be doing.

” ‘Did you kill it?’. No. Most humans survive having a clawhammer wedged in it’s eye. Fucking kids! ”

I might have lost patience with the game at this point.

And that’s really as much as I could be bothered with. I’m more than willing to acknowledge there is an absolute army of point and click fans out there, given the cult like status of games like Monkey Island and such, but the format just leaves me utterly cold. Compared to the thrill of sneaking up on The Witch in Left4Dead 2, and cutting her in half with a chainsaw in realtime,, blood gushing all over the screen in a way that makes you jump back, the lifeless act of watching a cutscene take place with no interaction really pales. So, after playing through to the end of the demo,  Idecided to save the 400 MSP that’d it’d cost me for the 1st episode. Sorry. There’s some downloadable content for Saint’s Row 3 I really want…

The Walking Dead game, then. For people who don’t like getting dirty.

 

Five PS2 Games That Are Cheaper Than A Pint In The Big Red, Holloway Road (For Mooky Chick)

Funny how things turn out.

Without telling you too much, I was in a position last year where I had to put most of my stuff in storage. Just as I’m finally settled again and can start unearthing my archive of treasured books, films, comics and such, GAME goes and closes a shitload of their stores across town. So suddenly it’s either buying   games at Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury’s  or popping into those…interesting shops that pop up everywhere that do games and dvds and seem to be..worrying in some way..

So as I’m digging through a secret location in South London, which had become a temporary NevCave, but with various birds rather than Bats. (Or a Giant Penny. or a T-Rex, sadly…) I found my old PS2!!! (I thought I’d sold it) The games had long gone, but a wander through various charity shops soon found me picking up old favourites that I’d literally counted down the days to their release date before (Seriously, everything in my life stops in the 3rd week of November, as that’s when the new WWE game comes out.) now for two or three quid.

In this age of new games coming out at £40 a pop, sometimes not even completed (Cough, Eadd Lisnda, Cough.) Of MORE bloody Call Of Duty sequels and knock-offs, of games coming out and PUTTING THE ENDING IN A SEPARATE DOWNLOAD, I thought I”d give my Xbox 360 controller a well-earned rest by going back in time to..a few years ago in a piece I’ve snappily titled:

Games That Are Cheaper Than A Pint Down The Big Red in Holloway Road.

1) The Warriors.

Ah, Yes.

It’d be a while since I booted up my PS2, obviously. One of my big fears would be the last few years of Xbox 360 next-gen quality graphics would make the games of yesteryear look..rubbish. In a few instances, I was totally right. True Crime: Streets Of L.A. for example looked like Lego. But then, well, The Warriors.  Based on THAT  movie…

If you don’t like the film ‘The Warriors’  we don’t really have much to talk about. This is LITERALLY playing the film in a GTA style. If you don’t find the idea of beating up men with bricks and smashing them into cars hilarious, then move on. Maybe you can go play Kingdom Hearts or something. Something TWEE! ‘ The Warriors’ is what the Fight Club game wanted to be when it grew up.

Just like Swan. JUST LIKE!

2) Destroy All Humans

Heh.

There were many, many great things about the original broadcast of the 1st ECW One Night Stand show. JBL drunk off his mind shouting from the God Box. Heyman calling out Edge for sleeping with Matt Hardy’s girlfriend. Joey Styles bellowing ‘HE JUST CRUSHED A MAN’S BALLS!’ just to try to get fired on his 1st day on the job. Rob Van Dam slagging off THE ENTIRE WWE CREATIVE TEAM in ten minutes and laughing.

'BUY GAMES OR BROCK LESNAR IS GONNA F-5 YOUR MUM!'

But in relevance to this piece…(I do try, honest.) Every break was punctuated with Paul Heyman banging on  about the Pay-Per-View’s sponsors, the game Destroy All Humans. Already the best title for a video game ever. (I hadn’t been so excited about a game since the sadly disappointing Riot Simulating game: State Of Emergency.) So, I got hold of the demo and….

Imagine Mars Attacks, but you are the aliens. You run around conquering various missions and areas in a GTA style, but with a FLYING SAUCER, and A BRAIN EXTRACTOR BEAM instead of boring old guns and cars. Oh, and you can read minds. and throw cows at people via telekinesis.  Because.

It’s also a very satirical take on the mentality of Commie Fearing America in the 1950′s. Normally I don’t like being preached to by video games, but this does work. Just for giggles, the sequel (Destroy All Humans 2) is an all out assault on the Hippie culture of the 1960′s. The 3rd game is an exercise in horrible Chinese stereotyping, though. I’d leave that one alone.

3) TimeSplitters 2: Future Imperfect.

I don’t know about you, but  I enjoyed Call Of Duty: Black Ops’s Zombie mode (you’ll always win me over by putting Credence Clearwater Revival and JFK in something.)

Deleted scene from the Blu-Ray Edition of Oliver Stone's JFK. Honest.

I always feel slightly odd being in the Army for any reason, though. Sure, Big Explosions cool and all that, but I feel vaguely like I’m being recruited and paying for it. I do love a good FPS, though, and while you’d be hard pushed to get my copy of Left4Dead 2 away from me, I do like a bit of undue silliness. Enter Timesplitters 2.

Probably not the best shooter on the PS2.  (That title belongs to the astounding Black.) but certainly the most silly and FUN! If you haven’t set the multi-player to a swarm of Amazons and Monkeys trying to blow each other up with grenades and flamethrowers, then you’re missing out. it’s also good for winding up housemates trying to finish their essay while your room sounds like an orgy in a zoo full of gunpowder.

4) Manhunt

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! VIA YOUR PS2.

Apparently, Rockstar decided that they were tired of being the most famous and loved video game publisher in the world. They’d just conquered the world with GTA 3 and it’s 80′stastic follow-up: GTA: Vice City, so they decide to take the brand name that signified quality gameplay, good taste in music and fun in order to absolutely scare the crap out of EVERYONE!

Manhunt is a game where you have to create snuff films.

Yep.

Before Half-Life did the about-face of questioning how the protagonist of the story was a ‘hero’ who slaughtered hundreds of people to achieve his goals, Manhunt put you in the position of  being lost. Alone. the only way to progress through the game is to work your way through a series of locations, killing down and outs in a variety of increasingly violent and gruesome techniques. You will never, EVER be able to look at a plastic carrier bag in the same way again. I literally am not able to complete this game as it freaks me out too much (And bear in mind, i laugh at ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ regularly.) Really good fun, but don’t play it in the dark…

Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.

Younger readers may not believe this, but there was a time when Marvel games weren’t absolute dog-shit on a herpes flaked stick. I know, I know. Anyone who’s had played Xbox 360 or PS3 in the last few years and have had to try to milk a drop of fun out of Thor, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Captain America: First Avenger, the various Spidey games …Urgh. it’s been horrible. Horrible, I tell you. I’ll grant you that Marvel Super-Hero Squad was pretty cool. It was much cooler when I played it as Lego Batman, though.

(Why do I go on about Marvel so much? Tell you what, ask acclaimed comics author and historian Stephen Bissette. He knows what he’s on about.)

Hulk: Ultimate Destruction is the closest any game has come over the years of capturing the raw destructive chaos of Bruce Banner’s emerald alter-ego. There’s a series of missions and some bobbins about plot, but COME ON. It’s Proper HULK SMASH stuff! Leap and smack up a car, then run up a wall and bounce into a helicopter and punch it with the boxing gloves you made out of the helicopter! Throw soldiers about! Hit robots in the face!

So, there you are.Lots of fun for a lot less money than  I got my copies from various websites, but it’s certainly easy enough to get hold of them by scouring the likes of fine emporiums such as the Oxfam, The British Heart Foundation, The Salvation Army, Cancer Research shops.  There’s a whole world of gaming out there waiting that’s only a few pennies away. Go kill some aliens and save some lives at the same time.

Just be prepared to see this. A lot…

Avengers/X-Men For FA-Online.

‘Movies ought to be Punishment for those seeking Entertainment.’ Dennis Hopper

Your entitlement makes me laugh.

If you want to read something that congratulates you for buying another thing that rewards Marvel for their treatment of comic creators, you’re in the wrong place,. True Believer.

You already know what this is. It’s a bunch of talented people wasting their time on this year’s manipulations.

Literally THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN COMICS. EVER!

Stop writing your indignations about the Mary Jane Statue. You wanna get angry? Two words: Steve. Ditko. You wanna make a real difference? Stop buying this shit. No blog changes anything. No one cares if you don’t like how Starfire is behaving now.

 

BulletProof Coffin Review for Fantasy Advertiser

Do you remember your 1st time?

The 1st time you inhaled, and the oxygen supply to your brain was cut off, and you tripped, your mind silenced from the continual monologue, just for a second? When you heard ‘Bodies’ by the Sex Pistols for the first time, and it sent lightning though your body, and you realised you were conducting an energy that the docile likes of Wham or Duran Duran could never ignite in you? You turned ‘Soulcraft’ by Bad Brains into your personal earworm and nothing in the world could bring you down again the first time you kissed the person you wanted to kiss, rather than the people you could kiss? The difference between lips on lips and sparks flickering between your mouths? The day you realised you didn’t have to go to school, and sat by the river with a can of cider, reading ‘Love and Rockets’ full of Lust and Punk, knowing you’d be in trouble later, but right now. Just right now, you were free of everything and everyone’s expectations?

Do you remember the 1st time you really felt alive, and in love and full of joy and fear at the same time? That you could feel like this, but somehow, you knew you’d come back to Earth?

I do.

A pub. I’m 7 years old, somewhere in deepest Wandsworth. My Dad has decided we are going out for a drink or twelve. I am already bored with the world, with school, with everything. One of his friends pops round to our table, says something about the poor lad must be going mad in here with nothing to do. He nips out, five minutes later he’s back with a stack of comics. Eeries, Creepys, Valerian and Marvel Tales #192.

Amidst this whirl of booze (‘Let’s give the boy a couple of pints, something might happen,’ they laughed) I took in a world that day. Ads for Aurora model kits, X-Ray specs, Barbarians, Space Vixens and I saved Marvel Tales: 192 for last. It was a Spider-Man comic after all. Kid’s stuff. Those of you with photographic memories will be well ahead of my story here.

I thought Spider-Man was, well, that weird kid’s character from that cartoon? Nicholas Hammond running about walls. Not here, Old Chum! You can bet your wheatcakes that this was….Death. Full on in the face. Gwen Stacey dies. Norman dies. Pete breaks down. Harry is a gibbering wreck. No Ms Lion here, pal. The monotony of South West London living was broken forever.. Eventually, the booze wore off, I had to go back to school the next day, but that afternoon affected everything I did ever since..

1st recorded use of Nevs saying 'MotherFUCKER...'

Do you remember when love turned into cages?

That electricity in your kiss has long faded away, you’re doing the washing up in a South london flat, hating each other. Wondering what happened? The butterflies you used to feel on your way to the pub to meet her has turned into the dread that nothing will be different, the passionate arguments you had about art and politics have fallen into a humdrum, you know everything they think so you don’t bother to argue and talk about anything but whose turn it is to take the recycling out

When did it happen? it must have been love at some point, but now you’re up at 3am on a message board arguing why Reed Richards TOTALLY wouldn’t side with The Regisratation Act because he stole a spaceship. You’re chasing Michael Turner variants to sell them on eBay. Your house is full of longboxes jammed with comics you read on the train home that you’ll never look at again. New Comic Day used to be exciting, but now it’s no more fun than the weekly run to Morrison’s . You fill out your checklist from this year’s big event. You complain that these crossovers cost too much money for no payoff, then you do the same thing next year, despite the price. Despite everything.

All the collector’s editions. Triple vinyl box sets with outtakes you’ll never listen to, packaged with books you’ll never read and DVDs you’ll never watch. You look at it on the train home, then you listen to it on Spotify. Saves opening the shrink-wrap if you ever need to sell it in a hurry. Collectors like their things untouched by greasy, filthy human hands. Stamp collecting. Trap the butterfly so the desire don’t drive you mad. Somewhere, out there is a bootleg of your band playing a gig in Tokyo in 1987. You will not rest until you have it. One day you find it, you’ll never listen to it, but it will sit proudly on your shelf. Part of your collection. Next to the ‘rare B-Sides and outtakes’ record.

When did love turn you into a slave? When did you stop noticing?

When did you agree that life is about routine and not passion?

Dave and Shaky, creators of the spectacular title ‘Bulletproof coffin: Disinterred’ from Image Comics understand this. Their comic, unlike pretty much 95% of the routine soulless dross that hits the funnybook shelves every week, isn’t about nostalgia for trademarks and icons. They don’t create to maintain the status quo, they have produced a work of wonder that recollects that feeling you had when you 1st read a comic, that wonder, that lunacy, It’s about everything. It’ proper art with no capitals necessary for bullshit definitions. Madness and Horror and Lust and Joy squirt shamelessly onto your frontal lobe with every page you absorb.

The plot (if we MUST!) is about a detective who may or may not have discovered a conspiracy, built on structures and patterns upon more of the same. He may have killed his partner, it all may be happening, or he may be mad, or maybe the two options aren’t mutually exclusive. Like Charles Burn’s ‘Hard Boiled Defective Stories’ in psychedelic day-glo, a childish colour platette luring you into until you realise you’re staring at a parrot ripping at the intestines of a headless corpse. A man fixing the stutter of his girlfriend by scalping her and twiddling her brain, an Open-Mic Carnival of misery and delusional survival, no more redemption than a glutton who cuts off his hands and tells the world he has fixed his eating disorder.

So, Jazz and Funnybooks and Childhood Insanity and Sex, the world that lives and breathes underneath the routine of SLEEP/TRAIN/WORK/PUB/SEX/SLEEP. I understand the 1st three issues are pretty much sold out. This is a good thing. Hopefully, the wave of Briitsh Insanity is coming back, Like the Good Old days of Alan Moore’s Big Numbers, Grant Morrison’s 1st few issues of the |Invisibles, Jamie Delano’s Hellblazers, Paul Grist’s ANYTHING. Bryan Talbot’s Luther Arkwright.

My favourite panel of all comics, ever.

Death to mundaity. Death to comics about Ronald McDonald and Mickey Mouse punching each other for 10 issues at $3:99 a pop and spin-offs where we explain exactly which bedrroom Mayor McCheese had a wank in while Donald Duck and Captain Bird’s Eye argued whether The Ultimate McGuggin could save the Universe or…Destroy It… The Kool-Aid Guy DIES! For at least six months.

Don’t write about your so-called life. Until you live some of it. Go Live and Love. And bring it back for us. The rest is mechanical.

“Where were you when the fun stopped?” Hunter S. Thompson

Preview of Issue 1 is here:

Gotham City Impostors Review.For MookyChick.

So, before we get started, i have to confess a thing that will activate all kinds of hate in the comments section….

Batman: Arkham City really bores the crap out of me.

Yes, I know, I’m sorry. I’ve TRIED! I…just want to have fun playing games. I much prefer Lego Batman. Also, I like the Adam West Batman more than the Christian Bale one. The comic Dark Knight Returns is all fun and games, but after a while, all that grit starts to get in your eyes, you know. Unless it’s the insane genius of All Star Batman or Batman;Odyssey.

Frank Miller, exploring Feminism, here.

A comic beyond captions.

So, having tried and failed to enjoy Bats: Arkham City, I still wanted some virtual Gotham related fun to tide me over until Lego Batman 2 arrives.

Enter something that I’d read about last winter that i thought, frankly, was a joke: Gotham City Impostors.

Apparently not the work of mental cosplayers.

The history of Batman and The Joker has been traditionally presented as an yin and yang affair. The forces of Order and Chaos eternally at war with neither side able to truly vanquish the other with great confusion over why this must be so. For Batman, killing the Joker would go beyond a moral line he swore never to cross. In The Joker’s case, his greatest opponent would be gone, and he may just become bored with everything. Frank Miller’s suggested there even be a homoerotic subtext to the whole affair, both in The Dark Knight Returns and All Star Batman. It’s a fascinating relationship. Maybe the deepest one in all of comics outside Krazy Kat and Ignatz.

All of which is TOTALLY ignored, of course, in Gotham City Impostors..A mutliplayer online affair based on the notion that somehow, two gangs of nutters have got hold of cheap technology, and meet up every once in a while to try out various weapons on each other. A bit like Historical Revival Societies, but with The Batz and Jokerz instead of Cavaliers and Roundheads. As if The Warriors was sponsored by Poundland and The N.R.A.

Not Oliver Cromwell.Not even close.

Gotham City Impostors looks…insane, really. Like Brendan McCarthy designing The Corner. Grim streets awash with faded neon. Swarms of lunatics fly, bounce, roller-skate and suchlike the psychedelic waste ground of Gotham City. All kinds of madness ensues as you get to grips with the control system and slightly trippy camera angles. All this visual acid is added to the fully customisable character design. Want to be a fat fella in shorts armed with a bow and arrow? A skinny girl with a bazooka and leather trousers? Go wild. It REWARDS your desire to look like you fell out of Vivienne Westwood’s bin.

If you’ve played any other online FPS from the last few years, say Call of Duty, Left4Dead or such, you’ll be at home here. RT to fire, LT to focus, Y to switch guns, yadda yadda..

But lets be honest, aren’t you SICK of Call Of Duty’s ‘inspirational messages’? Of saving the world? Stirring strings, Men looking worthy? Haven’t you had enough of following a soldier’s arse for the last umpteenth versions of CoD, Modern Warfare, Black Ops, and Lord knows how many knock-offs. As a wise man said ‘Why So Serious?’

'Camu Is My Bitch!'

At 1st, GCI seems pretty generic. Guns and such, funny visuals, what really sets it apart from things is the reward system.. as you play more, you start to realise that the upgrades will only add to the glee inducing chaos. After an hour or so of gameplay, I’d upgraded myself enough that I was now a skinny Jokerette wearing a dustbin lid as body armour, armed with a rocket launcher and hovering through the skies by bouncing off mini trampolines. Laughing literally with joy as I fist divebombed a fat man in shorts dressed in a cardboard Batman mask, and then finished him off by shooting a R.P.G at him at point-blank range, sending him flying into the river.

So, the technical stuff. Gotham City Impostors is (thus far) a download only title available for PC, PS3 Network, and Xbox Live. There are currently Three types of match type: Fumigation, which involves you teaming up to take over gasblasters in order to pump out either a shedload of bats and green Joker gas on your hapless foes, Psych warfare, which is standard Capture-The Flag malarkey and the typical Team Deathmatch. None of which will be unfamiliar to hardened FPS players. If there’s one criticism of the game, beyond the intial bugs which seem to have been worked out now (At least whilst playing on my XBox 360) is some of the maps are a nightmare to deal with, being too darkBut for the incredibly cheap price, the Laugh Out Loud factor, and the general two fingers up to the super serious tine that the video game industry has taken on of late, it’s probably my favourite game of the moment.

Rating: Four Out Of Five Dead Sidekicks.

Cherry Zombie Chats…

(Carly Zombiie resides in the quaint town of Shrewsbury, but her style, looks and performances are far from traditional. Her love for heavy metal, gore, sleaze and dance combine to make an interesting take on burlesque, belly dancing and her own unique routines. Appearing in Bizarre magazine numerous times as an Ultra Vixen and recently featured as the face of Santa Macabre Jewellery, Zombiie is pushing herself into the limelight with performances, music video appearances and photoshoots. She can be booked throughzombiiescreamqueen@googlemail.com and can be found at www.facebook.com/zombiiequeen.)

1) How did you discover burlesque and what about it made you want to be part of it?

I’ve always had a love for history and came across burlesque when I was deeply obsessed with the Victorian era. Due to its dance and art aspects it caught my attention. I’ve been a dancer from a young age and to me, burlesque was a more sensual form. I attended a few shows and saw how much routines could be adapted to fit your own personality and that won me over.

2) You must be aware by now of the Christina /Christina Aguilera film ‘Burlesque’. Is it better to be misrepresented by Hollywood in order to raise awareness of your medium or would you rather the film world left your world alone entirely?

I have actually never seen the film! Though I did see threads online from burlesque stars who were angry at the way it showed the art form. Personally, I dont think it does any harm. Im not what is considered to be a traditional or conventional burlesque dancer. My routines are very bmovie horror and sleaze rock and roll inspired, and one of my signature performances is actually a Japanese fan dance. The elements are there but some have said I cant call myself a burlesquer. Everyone likes different things and if films like that introduce new people to the world of burlesque Im all for it.

3) If you had the option, what would you tell your younger self to do or not do in terms of your career?
Be more thick-skinned and always stay true to yourself. I was quite naive when I started, tried the more traditional burlesque to ‘fit in’ and it wasnt me, and the audience could tell. When I started doing my own thing I felt happier but then got criticised for being different. It was hard but now I’ve found my niche and my crowd and I love doing it my way.

4) What’s the worst post performance chat up line you’ve heard?

I’ve never been chatted up at a show! Does that make me unapproachable? Lol. I love talking to people after I’ve performed, it is great to get feedback. No getting chatted up for me though, but that is fine by me, I think it would be a little weird.

5) Why do you think burlesque dancing has come back into fashion in recent years? Is it merely nostalgia or something more?
Nostalgia is part of it I think, and performers like Dita von Teese in more recent years have paved the way for others to step into the limelight. All of the performers I know or have spoken to say it gives them confidence and makes them feel sexy, which is great. It’s about time there was something which made women feel good about themselves.

Cherry can be booked HERE.

Ruby Rebelle Rocks!

(The rather lovely Ruby came to my attention via a Facebook search for interview subjects. Of everyone I’ve spoken to on this little project for mookychick.co.uk, she’s been far away the keenest, and possibly the only person who’s asked me if her answers to questions were ‘alright’. She’s also quite funny and has a love for zombies!)

 

1) How did you discover Burlesque and what about it made you want to be part of it?

I have always loved the glitz and glamour of the old hollywood movie stars and the elegance that they portray. I had always had issues with my body and a close friend told me about how she had gone to body confidence/burlesque workshops, I felt that this would be a great way to boost my self esteem and build my confidence however only working part time meant that I didn’t have the money to get to the workshops but I didn’t want to give up so I watched video after video of performances from the top performers on the internet and taught myself. I spent months working on my first routine, being a newbie and having no training meant it was hard to be booked for a show so instead I decided to organise a charity show, The show was a great success and I met some amazing performers through it.

2) You must be aware by now of the Cher/Christina Aguilera film ‘Burlesque’. Is it better to be misrepresented by Hollywood in order to raise awareness of your medium or would you rather the film world left your world alone entirely?

I haven’t personally watched the film so I can’t comment on it however it is possible that because films like ‘Burlesque’ the real essence of burlesque will be taken away and replaced by people who just want to copy Christina Aguilera, The media will always be interested in burlesque because it does cause controversy however without the media people wouldn’t be so interested in coming to watch the shows.

3) If you had the option, what would you tell your younger self to do or not do in terms of your career?

Well as I am only 20 and at the beginning of my career I am still learning and making mistakes. I don’t think I would change anything I have done so far. I have had great support from friends and family and have met some wonderful friends along the way.

4) What’s the worst post performance chat up line you’ve heard?

Luckily the audiences I have met have all been very supportive and friendly and haven’t over stepped the mark. The worse I have had is “I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on” Which is pretty rubbish if you ask me! After I perform I usually pop some clothes back on and watch the rest of the show with the audience so I get to meet a lot of people, everyone has been lovely!

 

5) What do you bring to your performance that nobody else does?

Where I am self taught I have had to work harder to get noticed because I’m not under anyone else’s name so I have tried to make my acts as entertaining and eye catching as possible. I love performing comical routines and routines that make you smile. There are so many classic fan dances and stripteases around so I aim to make my acts a little different. My favourite routine to perform would be my fire eating and glass walking act.

She’s also doing this:
Burlesque in aid of SSAFA Forces Help
October 7th, Doors open at 7.30pm
Call 07581209849 for more information
Club V – Fareham www.vtheplacetobe.comIf you want to book Ruby, email her Here.

 

 

Give The Kids Their Toys Back.

It used to be that when people asked me the best way to break into comics, I’d have an spiel that ran about 20 mins or so, touching upon awareness of your product, friendly customer service, knowing your audience and what they’d probably like, doing your research, checking updates online, cultivating a relationship with the independent and small press world. That kind of thing.

Nowadays, I just tell them: ‘Go watch The Wire.’

I’ll come back to this.

I’m assuming if you’re reading this on bleedingcool.com, then you’re aware of the story leaking yesterday that DC will be relaunching all of their mainstream titles in September once Flashpoint rewrites the history of the DC Universe. New number ones, $2.99 price point across the board, aimed at a slightly younger audience. Sounds great, to me. I’m just worried about one thing:

What if it’s too late?

For this generation, the idea that superhero comics REALLY weren’t for kids came about with The Ultimates. Now, I like the 1st two volumes of The Ultimates. They’re funny, ‘packed with redeeming social commentary; as Russ Meyer used to say, beautifully drawn and in general a nice step in the direction of superheroes for adults. That was fine. When that angle was contained within that title.

The problem came when, much like in the eighties when every superhero comic wanted to be Watchmen or Dark Knight, all the Marvel and DC wanted to translate that sensibility and more importantly, sales figure to all their titles.

Politics, sex, religion and serious violence became the touchstone of modern mainstream superhero comics. Dr Light was retconned into an angry rapist, Norman Osborn slept with Peter Parker’s girlfriend, Batman became so paranoid as a result of The Justice League’s betrayal that he set up a global cctv network, Wonder Woman snapped a man’s neck on television, Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne practiced superhero oral sex. Again, for the record, I have no problems with any of this stuff being depicted in comics; I just don’t believe they’re the appropriate things to be doing in titles that are aimed at children.

This style of storytelling culminated in Civil War, which became the model for the industry and certainly Marvel’s publishing plans for the next few years. Summer long crossovers, incredibly decompressed storytelling with very little actually happening, numerous spin-offs, and titles hijacked in order to flesh out thin plots. Ultimatum (An Ultimate Universe crossover.) wasn’t so much a story as a progression from one violent death to the next. Over the last few years, it’s been a steady decline to almost total inaccessibility. Between this anti-new reader mentality, unnecessarily jacked up price points and the rise of the availability of new comics online for free, the new comic market has been taking a kicking.

I think one of the significant reasons for this is that, speaking as someone spends time behind the counter, it simply hasn’t been safe to recommend most Marvel/DC comics to children for a long time, and I can’t tell you how incredibly difficult that is.

Personally, I really like Deadpool Max, but I just turned 34. Deadpool is an action figure; he’s a character in Marvel vs Capcom 3. He’s probably the most bankable single Marvel have come up with since Wolverine that kids love, and he features in a comic I can’t sell to kids. What ought to be is that a parent should be able to pick up a Marvel/DC superhero title and safely be able to pass it onto their children without having to worry if there’s going to be an alternate history of the Nazis in the opening 10 pages.

I’m aware that Deadpool Max is aimed at adults, but most parents simply aren’t aware of the silly nuances of the comics industry where a superhero can swear in one title and not in the next. They wouldn’t expect to walk into W.H. Smiths or Barnes & Noble and try and work out why Kermit is having his normal adventures in The Muppets Show comic and fisting Fozzie whilst gutting Staler and Waldorf with a blunt chisel in DARK MUPPETS MAX!

(Let me sidetrack for a minute and say that I have no problem with superhero comics featuring this stuff. As long as they aren’t being used to sell toothbrushes and pajamas at the same time.)

The idea of Marvel/DC superhero comics should be that they’re a gateway point into the medium. They’re a nickel bag product. You get started with Spider-Man and Batman, move onto Miracleman, Rocketeer, Creepy and end up at Love and Rockets, Eightball, Glamourpuss, Elephantmen. Or to put it in Wire form, you start with weed, move on to speed and end up on coke. Right now, as a retailer, I’m in the position of trying to push product that is the equivalent of crystal meth on first time users. It’s like the film ‘Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story.’ was the only advert for Barbie toys.

This isn’t, in any way, a call for the return of badly written superheroes. People say that in the age of Xbox 360, the Internet and Iphones, kids aren’t willing to read anymore. This is nonsense. Kids love reading, but you have to present the material in such a way to they can enjoy it. Things like Twilight, Harry Potter, Artemis Wolf, Dr Who, The Dandy, Tiny Titans and a dozen other examples are proof that you can’t play the ‘There’s no money in the younger reader market.’ card. You have to create content aimed at them, and if I’ve learnt one thing about children in my twelve years of working with them, it’s that they DON’T like being referred to as ‘KIDZ’ or ‘Younger Readers’ or any of that crap.

So, if DC are being straight about this, that the days of Sue Dibny being raped, of the dead coming back with a guilt trip monologue for two pages, of cities being blown up and Green Arrow killing people as a consequence are over, I’m ecstatic. Hopefully this’ll lead to writers exploring more adult themes in a line of comics that aren’t aimed at kids, a line pitched somewhere near the Vertigo/Epic aesthetic. I’m just hoping it isn’t too late. That when Mario Stanfield returns to the street corner, there’ll be a new generation of eager new addicts.

(Recommended for people trying to get children into comics: Tiny Titans, The Muppets, Bone, Marvel Super-Hero Squad, Calvin and Hobbes, The Dandy.)

Can’t Go Back.

Right, so the rumour doing the rounds this week is that come September, Barbara Gordon is going to be ‘uncrippled’ as part of the relaunching of the DC Universe. For those of you unaware, Barbara Gordon is the daughter of Commissioner Gordon, a librarian who became the 1st Batgirl. After a run as the 3rd wheel in the Batman and Robin duo, she was shot and maimed by The Joker in the graphic novel ‘The Killing Joke’ and was left unable to walk as a result.

Subsequent to this, she drew upon her skills with computers and became the hub of the electronic DC universe, reinventing herself as the anonymous Oracle. Linked to everything that goes on digitally, she became one of the key members of the JLA, The Titans and founded her own guerilla super-heroine team: Birds of Prey.

Barbara’s injury is often cited as one of the early examples of the syndrome known as ‘Women in Refrigerators’: a nasty plot device where a woman related to the central character is maimed, raped, killed or in some other way abused in order to give motivation to the lead stopping the Big Bad. It’s a variation on the schtick in action movies where the black partner is killed to drive the white guy more reason to take out the crime boss/crazed killer, etc (Hello X-Men: 1st Class.) On the whole, it’s usually a sign of an inability to write a compelling narrative and create cheap drama instead.

Where I disagree that Bab’s abuse is just one more symptom of the ‘Women in Refrigerators’ is that, well, honestly speaking, The Joker was the best thing that ever happened to the character of Barbara Gordon.

There’s a lot of talk about how badly women are represented in mainstream superhero comics. Rendered in a way that borders on the fetishistic, used as sexual decoration, underwritten, under motivated. Only really interesting to the dominant consumer base if they have large breasts or wear not a lot of skin-tight spandex. Off the top of my head, there’s only one comic starring a female that’s run consistently without being cancelled and that’s Wonder Woman. Men don’t want to read about female protagonists.

All valid and true points, but try having any kind of disability and see how well women fare in comparison, in terms of representation.

Off the top of my head, if you want physical ailments, then you’re looking at the X-Men, who frankly make too much noise given they’ve spent most of the time living in a mansion, don’t seem to have to work any jobs for their income, are totally stunning and on the whole don’t have much in the way of visual deformities (‘Oh Noes, I have claws that nobody can see unless I choose to show them’ ‘Waah, I’m a statuesque blonde who can read minds and can turn into diamond if I choose to’.)

Then there’s Matt Murdock aka Daredevil who’s blind, but his real disability seems to be a cycle of really stupid behaviour that runs as follows: Life goes wrong. Cry about an ex. Elektra and/or The Black Widow show up for a bit while Matt wallows in self-pity. Become a crime boss of some sort, realize that was a pretty stupid idea given his habit of telling every pretty girl that He’s Daredevil. Foggy will get beaten up in some way. Goes off for a sulk to find himself; worrying everyone he knows as he hasn’t told anyone where he’s gone, culminating in his jumping across lots of buildings in costume. So, no, I don’t think we want to be Matt.

Professor X? Well, he’s a genius, but aside his liking of underage girls, he has a habit of coming up with really stupid solutions to things: ‘I’ve had enough of Magneto running around disagreeing with me and being up in space generally leaving everyone alone. I’m going to go confront him and then absorb his psyche into mine just after he rips Wolverine’s skeleton out of his body. That’ll end well. Or with his mind melding with mine until we become a giant purple transformer that crushes New York City and kills The Avengers, The Hulk and The Fantastic Four. To me, my X-Men!

Then there’s the Hulk. If you want a quick idea of what having any kind of behaviour disorder is like, meet Bruce Banner. It’s an incredibly simplified version of it, but the underlying theme holds true. Bruce is a mild mannered guy who flips out and attacks things when he’s under stress due to his unresolved childhood issues. He spends the rest of his time feeling incredibly guilty about this, trying to put right what he did wrong in his mania, living in fear of his next attack. A life spent looking for a cure that probably doesn’t exist. It’s probably the best depiction of mental health issues in mainstream comics outside of Pete Milligan’s Shade The Changing Man or Hewligan’s Haircut.

Barbara, on the other hand, did something with her life. Unlike a lot of the women who suffered the indignity of being a woman in a refrigerator (and believe me, the Crisis on Infinite Earths era DC Universe was a bad time to be a woman), Barbara moved on. She accepted her fate and made the best of her life. Not in a shiny ‘And now I will be happy and drift off into the sunset, never to be referred to again’ way, but she carried on living, being part of her community of friends and colleagues.

She’s had some rough patches subsequent to that (not least of which was Dick Grayson popping round to give her a sympathy shag the day before he married Starfire), but she’s a real testament to the ideal that disabled people are as much a valid and vital part of the world as everyone. As Batgirl, Barbara really wasn’t much more than Huntress-Lite and a half-hearted attempt at female empowerment (‘Gasp! I’ve been taken down…by a GIRL!’) As Oracle, she’s the strongest representation in comics that people who aren’t entirely okay can still make a contribution to society as a whole, that we’re as capable as we can be and shouldn’t just be swept under the carpet, locked up in homes and asylums until we die.

And this winter, it seems that’s exactly what will happen to Oracle, her struggles and determination will be forgotten about.

I hope I’m wrong.

Appgasm

I joined the 21st century a few weeks back, and bought myself a smartphone. Not a very exciting story, but the phone I had wasn’t so much on it’s last legs as bouncing on the remaining stump that oozed pus as a result of the gangrene. I hate phone shops, they make me feel like I’m the next test subject for Portal, so I did what I was always do when I have to deal with something I’m not very sure about: I got drunk first.

After leaving the store, having spent money I can ill afford on this thing, I spent an hour looking at it, swearing at it, wondering why it wanted to know if I wanted to download any ‘apps’. I’m a Luddite, I admit it. You have to drag me screaming to new tech. Which is one of the reasons I’ve held off on reading comics on the internet, somehow it doesn’t ‘feel’ like I’m really reading the content unless it’s on the printed page.

But this app flashed up. Comixology. I kind of knew about this thing. Okay, well, free comics. That’ll tide me over getting to work. Turns out I actually am quite happy reading funnybooks on a phone. Looking at this thing, I thought ‘If I wanted, I could just buy all of ‘Blackest Night’ right now. In fact, if I did, it’d work out a bit cheaper than popping to the shop and buying it. Also, I wouldn’t need somewhere in my house to store it once I’d finished reading it.’

Which stopped me for a second, and got me worried.

I don’t know about you, but my home looks like the night after an explosion in a Diamond warehouse, the place is wall-to-wall trades, hardbacks, long boxes, the like. And I’m pretty picky with what I buy. If I spend more than 10 quid on comics in a week, it’s a heavy one. I got very lucky with a bolt from the blue a few years back that said ‘There is no point owning all the issues of Avengers. You will not reread them.’ So I tend not to buy anything I’m not going to read that day.

But still, I’m 34, I’ve been buying this stuff for over 20 years and there’s loads of it. Storage is a problem for me, and God knows what’ll happen if I need to move again.

And again, I’m looking at my phone. Before, the comixology thing was a brief doo-dad. I’d read a 1st issue of something I had been meaning to try out anyway. Now I’m wondering, honestly: ‘If I can simply click on a link, pay via my debit card, have the comics sent to my phone and read them a minute later…. why am I paying the travel fare to go the comic shop, hope that the shop has ordered enough copies of everything I want, read them and then get home to try and find space for something I already don’t have room for?’

Before, the answer was simple; very little stuff comes out on legal comic websites the same day as the hard copy. We’re hardcore; we want the new stuff now. But come September, DC starts putting out their relaunched books online the same day they ship to comic shops.

Thinking as a reader and all round lazy git: WIN!

Thinking as a person who’s been involved in comic shops since I was 15…. SPIDER-SENSE…TINGLING!

Honestly, I think we should be worried. Or rather, more worried. Amazon, eBay and Abebooks have already taken a large chunk of the new trade paperback, graphic novel and back issue market from brick and mortar stores. This is going to hurt, because there’s no way that Marvel aren’t going to follow suit on this same day hard copy/digital release date sooner rather than later. Once that happens, IDW, Dark Horse, Boom, etc will have to follow suit. More over. I don’t think that the $2.99 price point is going to stick around. I think it’s an appeasement to make retailers feel alright for a while and it’ll be interesting to see how the online price war is going to manifest itself.

So, the end is nigh, and all that. Except it doesn’t have to be.

The video game industry has gone through a similar problem in the last few years, and I can’t imagine Sony and Microsoft endeared themselves to gaming retailers when they started offering full games to download from the PS3 and Xbox Live community sites, so they upped their game (pun intended).

Instead of miserable, cliquey anti-women dives run by people more interested in looking at the product than talking to the customers, they created an environment that’s pleasant to be in, with knowledgeable, friendly staff. I’m not very aware of gaming stuff beyond ‘plug machine into socket, put disc in tray, pick up controller.’ But I know if I wander down to my local Gamestation, they’ll tell me what I need to do, whether I need to buy a thing and where I can get it if they don’t have it.

There are things to be learned from this, because the one thing comic shops can provide that the Internet never will is the sense of real community. It ought to be a fun, distracting bit of the day to pop along and pick up this week’s new stuff, not a grim pilgrimage. So with no disrespect intended, some suggestions:

If the person behind your counter doesn’t know the difference From Hell, Hellboy and Sin City: To Hell and Back: You’re doing it wrong.

If they, and more importantly, you don’t care that they don’t know: You’re doing it wrong.

If you’re not encouraging your staff to read this week’s new releases, Previews and such so they know the answers to most of the questions they’ll be asked (Yes, that does mean you have to let them borrow stock): You’re doing it wrong.

If your answer to the question ‘Do you have a copy of Maus?’ isn’t either ‘Yes.’ Or ‘No, but we can order it for you.’ You’re doing it wrong.

If you’re not creating a sense of community, getting to know your customers, knowing what things they’d probably like to read but might not be aware of: You’re doing it wrong.

If you’re only bothering to chat to your regular customers and aren’t fostering the next generation of readers by being as friendly to them as well: You’re doing it wrong.

If you’re only ordering the things you personally like, regardless of people asking you constantly for things like Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, Boondocks, European works by Bilal, Jodorowsky, mini-comics from all around the world and actively being hostile to younger readers by not bothering with Manga, you’re essentially saying ‘I don’t want your money unless you’re buying the things I think are good!’: You’re doing it REALLY wrong. Go home.

I think the step forward is to aim to be like a library, to try to have all the evergreens in stock or make sure we can get them back in fast as possible. Take the holofoil variants off the wall, and push the things we like that are worth reading, not collecting.

We can do this. If we create an environment that people want to come into, that makes them enjoy the experience of buying comics, we’ll survive. If we pretend that nothing’s happening, carry on acting like Bernard from Black Books is a great role model for retail staff, we’ll die. Simple as that.