by Nevs Coleman

Fan Laws

For The Record: The following is endorsed by no company I work for, Any complaints should be sent to me and me only. These are the things I’ve learned in comics over the last few years…

The words ‘we’ll just be charging $3;99 on our Avengers books to cover the cost of the other books.’ meant ‘We’ll be jacking up the prices on almost anything we publish!’

You don’t need a plot for a universe changing crossover when you have a string of gruesome atrocities to move the action along. Right, Jeph?

If Glamourpuss was rebranded ‘Dark Reign: Fashion and Cartoon Strips Analysis ‘, it would quadruple it’s sales figures.

There is nothing contradictory about complaining how many crossovers Marvel/DC put out every year while buying every last spin-off involved with said crossover. It’s far more damaging to publishers to bitch about how bad a comic is online after having bought it rather than say, not buying it.

It is not in anyway a kick in the face to the comics retail community who supported Marvel by buying their product during the time they were almost bankrupt to ship the $3:99 Spider Woman issue 1 the same week they release issue 4 on Itunes for 99 cents. At all.

When killing off a major character from your pantheon and hawking the story to any news feed service that’ll sniff at you, make sure you have at least three comics out a month featuring that character. Otherwise people might actually miss him.

The best way to maintain the quality of a branded crossover is to pump out as many tenous spin-offs as possible.

When putting out a comic, it is not in anyway confusing to release it with as many different covers for each issue as possible, or even better, using the same cover layout and background colour for each subsequent issue.

For that matter, putting the price and issue number in the smallest possible font on the bottom right of the cover while using a a colour as close to the background colour does not frustrate anyone. In any way, shape or form.

There’s nothing morbid or mercenary about recolouring some old artwork a comic artist did for you and shipping it out as a special variant a week after said artist dies.

Complain ALL THE TIME about how many superhero comics there are. And then write as many as you can, using your acclaim to bump up the sales figures. That’ll learn ‘em.

‘One More Day’ was absolutely necessary to make Amazing Spider-Man a more child-friendly comic. A child–friendly comic featuring cannibalism, rape, pensioner sex jokes,drug addiction, the mocking of Gulf War Veterans, torture, and Norman Osborn shagging his son’s girlfriend.

Publish The X-Men, a comic that preaches the tolerance of all differences within humanity. And then hire a noted homophobe to publicise their work via your comics.

Despite the face that less than a thousand comics have significantly gone up in value since the creation of the Direct Market in the late 70’s, the best way to speculate upon comics and potentially become a millionaire is to buy multiple copies of anything Marvel, DC or anyone happens to put out in a given month. Really.

Every variant cover will obviously triple in value.

A summer cross-over can be made more ‘Eventy’ by virtue of having a female character be killed, raped or otherwise abused in a grautious manner. This is usually more appropriate when these events are juxtaposed with characters whose image is used to sell children toys, toothbrushes and cartoons.

If you’ve kept your customers waiting for months for the conclusion to a big storyline, why not compound that by promising a Giant-Size special that reprints the covers of comics they’ve already bought? Extra points are given for almost doubling the price of said comic!

Soliciting for comics drawn by artists who are notorious for missing deadlines without making sure you have a few issues in the can first makes perfect sense and doesn’t make you look naive at all.Especially when your Christmas issue comes out in April

If confronted by the point that the artist you’ve hired to draw your big crossover is famous for being late, lie furiously about the title being ‘absolutely on schedule’. when said comic is, in fact, late. Just put out a press release over the internet with no apology or explanation. The question of ‘what are press writers actually there for?’ needs not be asked.

Not telling retailers that you’ve secured media time for the most desired comic in the last decade so they can order more copies and in turn pay you more money is the best way of raising profits.

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