by Nevs Coleman

King Puncher

King Puncher!
Crossovers wear me down. They really do. I take no small amount of glee over the fact that the winner of this summer’s fight between Bendis and Morrison was Mark Millar, who knocked them both sideways with five comics that were stand alone titles that required no back knowledge nor reading umpteen titles to understand what was happening in the pages of the comic you’d just bought. The people looked at Kick Ass, 1985, Old Man Logan, Fantastic Four and War Heroes and said ‘WOO!’ The comics sold loads. Went into various prinitngs. Kick-Ass being made into movie. Featuring Nicolas Cage.Can’t have everything.

They looked at Secret Invasion and Final Crisis and went from ‘Meh!’ to ‘Christ, how much longer is this going to go on?’

One Thursday, a couple of weeks back, we looked at the new Marvel Previews, which announced that something with the word ‘King’ in the title would be begin in January. New crossover. Great. ‘Now what? How do we order this without knowing what’s happening without any advance information beyond a picture of a planet in space or whatever it was?’

So, when asked by a beleagured looking customer with the week’s Secret Crisis books in his hand, his total coming up to about £30, just what DC and Marvel would be putting out once all this was over, I replied thusly:

‘DC’s doing the big Green Lantern thing. Blackest Night, I think. Marvel is doing….Kingpuncher?’

This got me thinking.

I’m not a television person, and never will be. The amount of compromise, meetings, rewriting and worry about ratings have left me perfectly happy toiling away in small clubs and knocking out content for youtube. It’s the digital age. Why worry if a BBC director is going to get fired for something you’ve done when you can just set up your equipment, point a digital camera at yourself, perform your material and be watched by literally dozens (in our case, anyway) of people on the internet within minutes.

Aside from Sophie Howard, I don’t really have any fantasies about the usefulness of being famous or being chased by the Sun everytime i get hammered in Camden. So i’m giving away this idea in the hope of somebody using it, because I don’t watch a great deal of telly, but i WOULD watch this.


In which:

Every week, a Celebrity (preferably one in the field of fighting, wrestling or MMA, Like Ricky Hatton, Brooke Hogan or Ken Shamrock.) goes to a place where a monarch is in power A bit like Wish You Were Here with Judith Charmers,. Said Celeb then travels around the area, showing off it’s landmarks, places of historical interest and chatting with the locals. Said Celeb would then go to the place where the battle that ended with the current monarchy ruling the gaff and wander around looking mournful, deep and the like. Much like Robbie Williams in that ‘Angels’ video.

An account of the battle would be voiced over by Tony Robinson. Then Said Celeb would go to the Monarch’s place of residence, ask them a few questions about their family, what’s it like being an absolute ruler who lords it over all they survey and those kind of things.

And midway through what would appear to be a sensible series of questions, Punch them really, really hard in the face.

And then leg it.

Roll Credits.

Possible spin-offs:

Celebrity KingPuncher :

In which a panel of fighting people judges a line up including, but not limited to Davina McCall, Peter Andre, Christopher Biggins, Paula Abdul, Lenny Henry, Bono and Kerry Katona on their abilty to lamp kings in the face. Watch the hilarity as Bono squares off against London Zoo’s resident gorilla, King Kong!

My Name is King:

In which Don King travels around America attempting to make amends to boxers throughout history who, er, have not done well out of King’s money related dealings. Watch the fun as the big haired one avoids getting his mouth pulped by tiger fighting Mike Tyson and the like!

Kings Of Leon vs Men Called Leon:

In which men called Leon are told that the guys who recorded ‘California Waitin’ are their masters forever more. Do they submit to the rule of the NME darlings or turn on their beardy masters in a siege of violence with big cossack hats much like the Russian Revoultion shouting ‘That second album was shit! Down with the monarchy!”? Tune in to find out!


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