by Nevs Coleman

Secret History of 80’s Comic Star!!!

The thing I like best about working in comic shops is buying in collections.

More often than not, it’s another bloody run of X-Factor. Or The Defenders. I’m sure there’s a rule of the cosmos that suggests any amount of comics that’s more than one long box must automatically transform into a run of 1970’s Defenders issues. But until you pop open the boxes and start dealing with stripping yellowing mouldy bags from the 1990s series of Ghost Rider and searching through the racks to see what you need, it could be anything in there. It’s like Schroedinger’s Cat, but with the possibilities being a battered run of Web Of Spider-Man or a shiny set of Hepcats. I’m one of those bad people who nabs the good stuff before it goes out to the public.

Before anyone starts getting their pants in a twist, I figure my idea of good stuff and the world’s is….not quite in sync, if you will. I will breeze past ‘hot’ books, super-heroes, that kind of malarkey. I’m not likely to need many more super-hero comics in this life. A pile of Cerebus or Bacchus will see me down the pub on a lunch-break just fine, though.
Mainly I’m looking for something new and exciting, story of my life really.

I adored Alf as a kid. Utterly adored him. He was my hero. I do the ‘HA!’ now and I’m 32 years old!

I still got my Alf plushy back at my mum’s house as a ‘Thing I really ought to bring with me next time I get some stuff from there.’ The only problem is he’s about a foot high, and still dressed up in my Spider-Man costume I had as a kid.

Look, it didn’t fit me anymore. I had to do something with it. Alf was great at fighting crime. If by ‘fighting crime’, I mean ‘scaring the local cats who were trying to eat the sparrows who ate in the bird-box’. Not too sure the sparrows were fond of Spider-Alf, either, thinking about it.

This week was the outright winner of ‘Maddest Comic found in a Collection!’

Seriously. this exists. Assuming somebody hasn’t bought it already, it’s at the shop now. For a quid (call Orbital on  020 7 240 0591).  It hasn’t left my mind since I saw it. What’s bothering me about it is this: I know what I’m seeing here: it’s Alf. Alf shagging a seal who looks worried. Alf isn’t too happy about it either. Does ‘So Hurry Up Already!’ mean he wants the seal to cum faster? Are all the puddles of liquid Melmac juice that MISSED the seal? Honestly. This really worries me, because I imagine most of you had the same reaction to the image that I did. Which is fine. It’s not, sadly, a kids medium anymore. We can laugh at the juxtaposition of ALF FUCKING A SEAL in a kid’s comic.

I just wonder what parents thought when they popped to the shops to pick up a comic for their kid and saw, well, ALF. FUCKING A SEAL!

There are editors out there who worked on this book. They know something. They know why this image ran. Was it a big scam? Was an editor drunk on watch? Was it a gag? I want answers!

And just because I like her, and she’s the anti-gloomy comic shop worker, here’s the delectable Amber Love talking about the new issue of Daredevil:


One response

  1. I was discussing ALF on Twitter a few months ago! Based on your article I decided to do a search for ALF on twitter and apparently it is showing in Australia and people are still talking about him.

    I was, in fact, lamenting that this is a show I would watch if they remade it. The character could come back in the fashion of Mork from ‘Mork and Mindy’ as he was first shown in ‘Happy Days’ and then in the present of the 1980s.

    Why not have ALF come back to earth after leaving for 30 years just to see how things are? :)

    All the Best,

    Peter Pixie
    co-host of Hour 42

    March 2, 2010 at 14:27

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