by Nevs Coleman

Fiction 4: Russell Herbert.

My name is Russell Herbert.

This is my shopping list for today.

Four pack Pot Noodles
2 X Variety Kelloggs multipack
One issue of Playboy
The Sun
2 X USA multipack selection of porn.
One box of Kleenex.

My name is Russell Herbert. I live in Hounslow. I am 5’4. I have a grade four haircut,  My hair is brown. I weigh fifteen stone. I am pleasantly jolly. So my special helper tells me. She says I have to love the way I am shaped. If it wasn’t for people like me, other people wouldn’t look so skinny. I think she is TAKING THE PISS. She rings up her friends while she is making my tea. She says things like God, the fucking tard had a cumstain on his tracksuit when he met me at the shopping centre.

I don’t know what tard is.

My Mum died when I was twelve. She told me that I wasn’t allowed to say fuck. fucking.tits,. shit.arse. cunt. wanker as they are bad words and people who used those words were naughty. Whenever I hear Jennifer swear I tell her what my mummy said. She says rhat she doesn’t give a toss about my mother and would I just put my underpants back on, please.

I don’t know where my Dad is.

When I came home from the garage, I boiled the water for my Pot Noodle and a cup of tea. I read the Sun. Then I watched Eastenders and read the issue of Playboy. It is not as good as the November 1997 issue. That issue has pictures of Jami Farrell, Traci Adell and Heather Kozar. They are in a pictorial called Cheerleaders in The Jungle. Jami is wearing no clothes while standing next to an elephant. There are some pictures of Ronald Regan’s daughter wearing no clothes. He was the president of america. He is dead now. The news said he was really good at being president. I told Billy this once and he said that Mr Regan was a fucking bastard and he should have died before he became president and fucked up the world.

It didn’t say that on the news.

Billy is my upstairs neighbour. he has brown curly hair. he has lots of girls come to visit him. Billy smells of Hugo Boss. The November 1997 issue of Playboy has a sample of Hugo Boss inside it, next to a joke where a man is lying next to a naked lady on a orange bed. The words underneath say But of course I love you, It’s just your sister is very convincing at times.

I don’t think that it is very funny.

There is a big interview with Matthew Perry in the issue of Playboy. He says he is very good at basketball. Matthew Perry is Ross in Friends. I am saving up my money so that one day I will go to New York and live with them. I will drink coffee and listen to Phobee sing.

Here is the order I would make sex with the girls from Friends

1 Rachel 2 Phoebe 3 Monica Monica is funny but she is old.

They do a thing at the centre I have to visit where it is called make a wish. I had to tell them what I would like to do if I had a wish. I said that I would like to go meet the cheerleaders in the jungle. They didn’t know what I meant, so they asked me what the cheerleaders were called. I told them the girl’s names and they looked it up on the internet. Then the computer put up lots of rudie websites and Jennifer the helper laughed lots and lots. And then Michael, who is one of the other helpers laughed a lot as well and said he would like to help me find the cheerleaders. Then Jennifer looked very annoyed and punched him. POW! Right in the nuts! Then I laughed very much. Then Camilla. who is in charge told me to come up with another wish. So I will.

Billy does not like me. I do not know why. He has a favourite girlfriend called Emily. I like her because she has big boobs and wears very tight jeans. She wears high heels so when she comes down the way she makes a klackklackklack noise. So I go out to see if there is any post when she is coming in as she has her own key. She asked me if I have any good wankrags this week and I told her which ones I bought. At first I was a bit embarassed and had to hide my stiffy with a newspaper but then She kept doing it so I would show her and she would say ooh she is pretty but she has fake tits. Then I  giggled and blushed as that it is one of the words that I am not allowed to say.

Then she went go upstairs. Once that happened and Billy came down and said if he ever caught me perving at his bird again he would knock my fucking lights out and I got scared and told him that he wasn’t allowed to say fucking because it was rude and then I pooed my pants and ran inside so now when Emily comes over I just watch her through my spyhole.

I keep hurting my knee, because there is a shared toilet and Billy keeps leaving his jacket on the stairs late at night so when I go upstairs to go toilet I fall over. and once I pooed on his jacket to teach him a lesson and he kicked my door in and wiped it all over me so I went out and screamed and rang Jennifer and she came down but she kept saying sorry to him and that I wouldn’t do it again and then she told me off and said if I did things like that then I would have to live in a home and I couldn’t have my filth so I had to be good and if he did it again I would just have to be more careful.

I am sorry but I took a break from writing as I wanted to look at the magazines from the garage again. I have looked at the Playboy again and there are some pictures of Hugh Hefner who is the man who made Playboy and now he has lots of money and girls live in his home which is called The Playbot Mansion so tomorrow I will ask Jennifer if I can have a new wish and it will be to go and live with Mr Hefner and it will be lots of fun.

I have written all the words I had to write now. So I will stop.

Russell Herbert Age 28

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