by Nevs Coleman

MAYHEM FOR A MONDAY MORNING

The following is taken from the writings of Captain Tupelo, who may not be real. Probably wiser to listen to this as you read.

Most suicides occur between the hours of 4 and 8 A.M on a Monday morning. Frustrated angry sheep, morbidly depressed that the weekend is oer, routinely take their own lies rather than succumbing to another week of draconian oppression. These fallen traditionalists see no alternative to the endless abyss they ironically refer to as life. they have fallen for the lie of the American Dream. They are controlled through fear, guilt and statistics. they believe everything they hear, see or read. the statistic I mentioned above is a lie. i made it up, You believed it, See.

Today i absolve you from your guilt and fear. i will remove your chain and shackles and let you off the ship. i will propose a step-by-step guide as to how to handle Mondays. i will tell you there is another way, of course, for those listening, you do not have to follow this way, in fact I would prefer it if you made up your own Monday. i will now let you off the leash. You are free. Run.

Monday Morning.

1) Do not go to work. Call in dead, simply pick up the phone, call your place of enslavement and tell your overlord  ‘I will not be coming in today. i have died.’ If you feel the need to elaborate, tell them that, tell him/her/them/it was the job that killed him.

2) Destroy your Television. Be like Orwell’s hero. This is the main reason you don’t possess anything resembling independent thought, I know you paid lots of money for it. You were a fool to do so.

3) Steal a Car. The richest person on the block, a wise man once said ‘do not steal from your brother.’ If you live in a poor neighbourhood, drive to a nice one. You don’t need to know rocket science to do this- Look under the dash (if enclosed, smash the fucker), cross the two red (or matching) wires and boom. Yes, it’s that easy.

4) Pillage and Plunder. All the groceries you couldn’t afford last week at the A&P? They are now yours for the taking. That juicy tenderloin steak, That fancy wine. Slip them n your coat  If security catches on, run. You have a lond day ahead of you and cannot afford to get caught this early in the morning.

5) Self-Medicate. You will probably experience a sense of emancipation around this time, indcated by a sense of light-headedness . It might be time to amplify those new-found feelings with narcotics. Do not overcompensate and wind up dead. I am availabe for dispensation of applicable prescriptions on the corner (Up in Lexington, 125)

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