by Nevs Coleman

The Following Has Been Dramatised…..

Our hero is at home, with a can of cheap beer. Myself and a good friend are chatting about comics online….

Hartbreak Kid: Well, this’ll cheer you up, one of your favourite comics is being reprinted this year.

Coleman’s Mustard, Punk: …really? Which one?

HBK: Trust me, you’ll be happy.

C.M. Punk: NO….

HBK: Yep.

C.M. Punk: FINALLY!

HBK: Thought you’d be pleased.

C.M.Punk: ARCHIE VS PUNISHER! ZOMG!!!111111 Finally, man. You know, people really write off the 90’s as a bad time for comics, but jeez, they forget Starman, Liberty Meadows, From Hell, all kinds of good stuff.

HBK: Yeah..hang on a sec..

C.M.Punk: Archie/Punisher, man. I’m hoping they’ll do it in that glossy magazine format that Superman/Muhammed Ali enjoyed a while back! Wow, do you think there’ll be toys? I’d be happy with just a 2-piece diorama thing. Or maybe there’ll be a Cheryl Blossom variant cover with her dressed as…are there any women who have been around the Punisher’s world for a long time, well, besides his wife – and then only in a “Lenny, the drug dealer, I shoot your knee off in the name of my beloved wife…Sophie? Lucy?”

HBK: STOP! It’s NOT Archie/Punisher!

HBK: What the hell is your obsession with that comic anyway?

C.M.Punk: ….what?

C.M.Punk: Archie/Punisher is the best appearance of Frank Castle of all time! Except that comic where Frank lamps a polar bear in the face:

C.M.Punk: And, you know, It sends those ‘serious’ Punisher fans nuts, cause they think Frank Castle is a realistic comic character. Hang on, I’ll send you the treatment I wrote for a realistic Punisher comic…

PAGE 1:

( 6 panel page)

1st 3 panels showing bits of New York City, one panel featuring man eating hot dogs, Statue of Liberty, that kind of thing.

CAPTIONS

1: MY NAME IS FRANK CASTLE, AND THIS IS MY CITY

2: I ENVY PEOPLE – THEIR SIMPLE LIVES. FOR ME, EVERY DAY IS ONE MORE DAY OF MY NEVER ENDING MISSION.

3. MICROCHIP SAYS I SHOULD TAKE SOME TIME OFF. RELAX.

Panel 4: Outside of The Punisher-Mobile.

4. BUT THESE CHILDREN ARE KILLERS. KILLING MUSIC.

Panel 5: Telly showing ‘Glee’ on the right on the inside of the van. The kids from Glee are dressed as AC/DC.

5. TIME TO FIGHT BACK!

Panel 6: Telly shot to pieces.

6. THESE KIDS CAN’T BE ALLOWED TO DO THIS TO AC/DC!

PAGE 2.

1 panel of Frank Castle looking tooled up, shotguns, ammo belts, handguns. Plungers, Toilet Ducks.

CAPTION: TONIGHT, I WAGE WAR ON GLEE.

PAGE 3

Panel 1: Frank steps out of the Punishermobile.

Panel 2: Inside a police car. Two coppers (Sophie and Howerd), both eating burgers.

SOPHIE: ‘Hey, Howerd?’

Panel 3: Sophie points to Frank, across the street.

SOPHIE: ‘Isn’t that Frank Castle?’

HOWERD: ‘…huh?’

Panel 4:

SOPHIE: ‘You know, the homicidal maniac who never wears a mask and walks around in a skull motif t-shirt armed to the teeth?’

HOWERD: ‘Oh SHIT, What should we do?’

Panel 5: Howerd drops food, Sophie reaches for radio.

SOPHIE: ‘Do? I’m calling for back up, motherfucker!’

HOWERD: ‘fuckfuckTHEPUNISHERthefuckfuckfuck!

PAGE 4:

Panel 1: Frank walking down the street

CAPTION: …AND AFTER THE GLEE CAST, NEXT, THE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL GUYS. HOLLOW POINTS TO THE HEAD-HUH?

Off-panel: ‘Frank Castle, put your hands in the air!’

Panel 2: Police Helicopter bearing down on Frank. Frank reaching for gun.

Police: ‘Put your weapons down or we will shoot.’

CAPTION: NO TIME FOR MERCY, DAMMNIT!

Panel 3: Frank shot in head.

CAPTION: ARGH!

Panel 4: Frank lying dead.

***

HBK: er…..

C.M.Punk: Okay, fine. If it’s not Archie/Punisher, what is it?

HBK: It’s Sugar & Spike. Look :


SUGAR AND SPIKE ARCHIVES VOL. 1 HC

Written, art and cover by Sheldon Mayer.

DC’s cult favorite comic about a pair of precocious babies is collected at last in this volume. Hot-tempered Sugar Plumm and shy Cecil “Spike” Wilson may be toddlers, but they know more about getting into trouble than most grown-ups. And while they can understand each other perfectly, all their parents seem to hear when they speak is “Glx sptzl glaah!” Now, DC Comics collects their classic series for the first time, starting with issues #1-10, in this hardcover showcasing stories and art by the talented Sheldon Mayer, inspired by the hijinks of his own children.

240 pages, $59.99, in stores on August 31.

C.M.Punk: No way. Amazing!

C.M.Punk: Wait, hang on, its DC, how could they fuck it up…ah, yes. It’s an Archive edition?

HBK: Just be grateful they’re doing it?

C.M.Punk: Man, I’m not willing to plunk down more than a tenner for ANY comic based thing. If you think I’m gonna find 50 odd quid for a book with only 10 comics reprinted in it, you’re out of your mind.

HBK: Yeah, but there’s some people who’ll finally be able to sit down and read this stuff. You’re always banging on about good it is.

C.M.Punk: Aside from the fact that $60 is a stupid amount of money for any book, I’m trying to get good material in the hands of people who wouldn’t know about it otherwise. It’s hard enough to get people to break their comfort spending zone without the work being so stupidly priced. Christ, I’m dealing with people who laugh off Calvin & Hobbes + Tintin as kids comics and then take Transformers/GI Joe REALLY seriously lol!

See, they did it before. they could just reprint that.

HBK: ……:(

C.M.Punk: Oh come on. Transformers is a KID’S comic. A comic about big robots who hit each other. KID’S BOOK!

HBK: Alright, smartarse, what would YOU do?

C.M. Punk: I’d knock a cheap sampler in the upcoming months, maybe run a few strips as back ups in the DC Kids! line. Oh and NOT do it as an Archive. Nobody buys stuff in that format unless they’re interested in the work in the 1st place It’d be PERFECT for the Showcase format. Something like this…

HBK: Yeah, yeah, but have you seen the Hughes variant on the new Zatanna…


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