by Nevs Coleman

Five PS2 Games That Are Cheaper Than A Pint In The Big Red, Holloway Road (For Mooky Chick)

Funny how things turn out.

Without telling you too much, I was in a position last year where I had to put most of my stuff in storage. Just as I’m finally settled again and can start unearthing my archive of treasured books, films, comics and such, GAME goes and closes a shitload of their stores across town. So suddenly it’s either buying   games at Tesco/Asda/Sainsbury’s  or popping into those…interesting shops that pop up everywhere that do games and dvds and seem to be..worrying in some way..

So as I’m digging through a secret location in South London, which had become a temporary NevCave, but with various birds rather than Bats. (Or a Giant Penny. or a T-Rex, sadly…) I found my old PS2!!! (I thought I’d sold it) The games had long gone, but a wander through various charity shops soon found me picking up old favourites that I’d literally counted down the days to their release date before (Seriously, everything in my life stops in the 3rd week of November, as that’s when the new WWE game comes out.) now for two or three quid.

In this age of new games coming out at £40 a pop, sometimes not even completed (Cough, Eadd Lisnda, Cough.) Of MORE bloody Call Of Duty sequels and knock-offs, of games coming out and PUTTING THE ENDING IN A SEPARATE DOWNLOAD, I thought I”d give my Xbox 360 controller a well-earned rest by going back in time to..a few years ago in a piece I’ve snappily titled:

Games That Are Cheaper Than A Pint Down The Big Red in Holloway Road.

1) The Warriors.

Ah, Yes.

It’d be a while since I booted up my PS2, obviously. One of my big fears would be the last few years of Xbox 360 next-gen quality graphics would make the games of yesteryear look..rubbish. In a few instances, I was totally right. True Crime: Streets Of L.A. for example looked like Lego. But then, well, The Warriors.  Based on THAT  movie…

If you don’t like the film ‘The Warriors’  we don’t really have much to talk about. This is LITERALLY playing the film in a GTA style. If you don’t find the idea of beating up men with bricks and smashing them into cars hilarious, then move on. Maybe you can go play Kingdom Hearts or something. Something TWEE! ‘ The Warriors’ is what the Fight Club game wanted to be when it grew up.

Just like Swan. JUST LIKE!

2) Destroy All Humans

Heh.

There were many, many great things about the original broadcast of the 1st ECW One Night Stand show. JBL drunk off his mind shouting from the God Box. Heyman calling out Edge for sleeping with Matt Hardy’s girlfriend. Joey Styles bellowing ‘HE JUST CRUSHED A MAN’S BALLS!’ just to try to get fired on his 1st day on the job. Rob Van Dam slagging off THE ENTIRE WWE CREATIVE TEAM in ten minutes and laughing.

'BUY GAMES OR BROCK LESNAR IS GONNA F-5 YOUR MUM!'

But in relevance to this piece…(I do try, honest.) Every break was punctuated with Paul Heyman banging on  about the Pay-Per-View’s sponsors, the game Destroy All Humans. Already the best title for a video game ever. (I hadn’t been so excited about a game since the sadly disappointing Riot Simulating game: State Of Emergency.) So, I got hold of the demo and….

Imagine Mars Attacks, but you are the aliens. You run around conquering various missions and areas in a GTA style, but with a FLYING SAUCER, and A BRAIN EXTRACTOR BEAM instead of boring old guns and cars. Oh, and you can read minds. and throw cows at people via telekinesis.  Because.

It’s also a very satirical take on the mentality of Commie Fearing America in the 1950’s. Normally I don’t like being preached to by video games, but this does work. Just for giggles, the sequel (Destroy All Humans 2) is an all out assault on the Hippie culture of the 1960’s. The 3rd game is an exercise in horrible Chinese stereotyping, though. I’d leave that one alone.

3) TimeSplitters 2: Future Imperfect.

I don’t know about you, but  I enjoyed Call Of Duty: Black Ops’s Zombie mode (you’ll always win me over by putting Credence Clearwater Revival and JFK in something.)

Deleted scene from the Blu-Ray Edition of Oliver Stone's JFK. Honest.

I always feel slightly odd being in the Army for any reason, though. Sure, Big Explosions cool and all that, but I feel vaguely like I’m being recruited and paying for it. I do love a good FPS, though, and while you’d be hard pushed to get my copy of Left4Dead 2 away from me, I do like a bit of undue silliness. Enter Timesplitters 2.

Probably not the best shooter on the PS2.  (That title belongs to the astounding Black.) but certainly the most silly and FUN! If you haven’t set the multi-player to a swarm of Amazons and Monkeys trying to blow each other up with grenades and flamethrowers, then you’re missing out. it’s also good for winding up housemates trying to finish their essay while your room sounds like an orgy in a zoo full of gunpowder.

4) Manhunt

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! VIA YOUR PS2.

Apparently, Rockstar decided that they were tired of being the most famous and loved video game publisher in the world. They’d just conquered the world with GTA 3 and it’s 80’stastic follow-up: GTA: Vice City, so they decide to take the brand name that signified quality gameplay, good taste in music and fun in order to absolutely scare the crap out of EVERYONE!

Manhunt is a game where you have to create snuff films.

Yep.

Before Half-Life did the about-face of questioning how the protagonist of the story was a ‘hero’ who slaughtered hundreds of people to achieve his goals, Manhunt put you in the position of  being lost. Alone. the only way to progress through the game is to work your way through a series of locations, killing down and outs in a variety of increasingly violent and gruesome techniques. You will never, EVER be able to look at a plastic carrier bag in the same way again. I literally am not able to complete this game as it freaks me out too much (And bear in mind, i laugh at ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ regularly.) Really good fun, but don’t play it in the dark…

Hulk: Ultimate Destruction.

Younger readers may not believe this, but there was a time when Marvel games weren’t absolute dog-shit on a herpes flaked stick. I know, I know. Anyone who’s had played Xbox 360 or PS3 in the last few years and have had to try to milk a drop of fun out of Thor, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Captain America: First Avenger, the various Spidey games …Urgh. it’s been horrible. Horrible, I tell you. I’ll grant you that Marvel Super-Hero Squad was pretty cool. It was much cooler when I played it as Lego Batman, though.

(Why do I go on about Marvel so much? Tell you what, ask acclaimed comics author and historian Stephen Bissette. He knows what he’s on about.)

Hulk: Ultimate Destruction is the closest any game has come over the years of capturing the raw destructive chaos of Bruce Banner’s emerald alter-ego. There’s a series of missions and some bobbins about plot, but COME ON. It’s Proper HULK SMASH stuff! Leap and smack up a car, then run up a wall and bounce into a helicopter and punch it with the boxing gloves you made out of the helicopter! Throw soldiers about! Hit robots in the face!

So, there you are.Lots of fun for a lot less money than  I got my copies from various websites, but it’s certainly easy enough to get hold of them by scouring the likes of fine emporiums such as the Oxfam, The British Heart Foundation, The Salvation Army, Cancer Research shops.  There’s a whole world of gaming out there waiting that’s only a few pennies away. Go kill some aliens and save some lives at the same time.

Just be prepared to see this. A lot…

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