by Nevs Coleman

Aside

Self Inflicted Entitlement Blues.

So, I had this idea, but I didn’t express it very well yesterday. So I’m going to try again. This time not on prescription drugs and booze.

I keep thinking about social networking. When I 1st became aware of its possibiltes, I was heavily influenced by possibly my favourite Warren Ellis comic, Transmetroplitan at the time. I’ve come to really admire the work that can be done with a decent camera phone. I like the idea that nobody is safe from bullshit behaviour anymore. Start beating up a protester and you’ll find your image plastered as fast as it take to upload a picture.

‘I would like to be this when I grow up, please.’

The things you can do, now, with decent internet access absolutely astonish me all the time. I grew up pre mobile phone, let alone internet, and it now seems social networking has pretty much stabilised for a bit with Twitter and Facebook, having survived MySpace, Friendster etc. so, since these seem to be the platforms of the moment, I figured I’d try to kill two birds with one stone…

You see, all mucking about aside, I think we have the greatest potential in the world to change the world right now. Heck, It’s made my sex life a hell of a lot more interesting, for example. So with all that in mind, I don’t understand we’ve turned this opportunity into, well, a grotesque display of 1st World Whining.

Sure, if you’re documenting a mental illness or physical disability, then more power to you. So much gets scraped under the carpet or just flat-out ignored. I’m all on your side, but there’s a few things that people complain about, and I don’t really know what they’re expecting, such as….

1) The Weather.

Come on. SERIOUSLY?

Look, I know you grew up with the idea that months have weather specific to them: June /July: Sunny. Dec/Jan: Snowy. But you’ve been alive long enough to know that all those preconceptions are nonsense. Rain happens. Hurricanes happen. If there’s anything that doesn’t care what you want, its meterologial patterns. Who the hell are you complaining to? Do you honestly think it’ll make a difference. Look, here’s a solution: Look up the weather. It will be what it is. Dress accordingly. Problem solved.

2) Justin Bieber fans.

I sort of get this one. When I was a kid, I was well into Ministry and Public Enemy. Couldn’t work out for the life of me why they were never on Top Of the Pops and I had to see Bros Every. Single. Week.

Probably never met Keith Chegwin.

You, Dear Reader, haven’t done anything to me that I feel inclined to remind you too much of Bros, but I do remember being throughly annoyed at having to see those damn shiny faces cavorting about like a camp version of Grease any time I wanted to watch music on telly.  So I KIND of empathise.

Except, well, It’s not the 20th Century anymore. More importantly, it’s not a mono culture anymore. We aren’t receiving our music information from the Radio and Telly as much as we did. Heck, I only have the telly on in the background so I can keep up with the news whilst flirting with insanely talented and beautiful Vivica Delicious via Twitter

Somehow I am friends with this woman. I don’t understand it either.

And you know what, I have Spotify, I have Grooveshark. I have Youtube. I’ve been catching up with artists I love for the last six months and still being elated at finding records I didn’t know existed. I barely know any bands from this CENTURY that i’m not friends with, Which is something I really could wish i could go back in time and tell myself would be a possibilty. I needed cheering up.

‘A phone? That plays music? Blimey. Wait, Mickey Rourke is going to WHAT?

The point I’m getting at is that we aren’t forced to listen to anything anymore. I honestly couldn’t tell you the name of any Justin Bieber songs. I wouldn’t even swear I’ve HEARD any, so the lad has actually no bearing on my sonic entertainment. Yes, his fans get a little bit excited. We’re in a Godless age, relatively speaking. That desire to worship SOME higher power that humans apparently have has to be expressed somehow. For me, it was a mix between Ian Mackaye and Magenta from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. For you it was Ian Brown or Madonna or whoever. Leave them to it. It makes no difference to your life, does it?

3) Films.(Especially Comic Movies.)

So, i was having a row about the casting of Sin City 2 with a friend. He was making the point that Angelina Jolie would be perfect for Ava, who plays the female lead in the story ‘Dame To Kill For. I was arguing for Lisa Bonet.

I think my justification went something along the lines of ‘Look, for Ava, you need a woman who will make you forget common sense. In ‘Dame’ Dwight spends half the time doing incredibly stupid things. But for his actions to make sense, he needs a foil who will drive him to stupid levels of being turned on. Someone who looks like they really know to have sex. Hot, dirty sex where you smash every item of furniture in the house, orgasm several times and want to keep going because their smell and touch drives you that nuts. Angelina Jolie is pretty, sure. But she doesn’t look like she could break a man’s soul with her vagina. Lisa Bonet, on the other hand..’

Seriously, Lisa. Get in Touch.

‘Nevs.’

‘Yep?

‘Would you be willing to believe I don’t fancy Lisa Bonet in any way at all?’

‘Are you INSANE?

‘No. Angelina Jolie does exactly what you described for me. look, you’re crazy about The MC5, right?#

‘Fuck, Yes.’

‘Are you willing to believe some people feel that way about Coldplay?’

‘WHAT?’

Essentially, Film Directors are trying to make the film in THEIR heads. That’s it. You’re entitled to have an opinion, but it makes no difference. Avengers Assemble 2 will happen because you all paid  a lot of money to see it. Little will change in regards to casting, direction, theme, etc because you voted with your wallets. Barely anyone went to see Superman Returns, therefore, it gets reconsidered. You see? Joss Wheedon doesn’t give a shit what you tweet. He’s probably bouncing around on piles of cash like some kind of beardy Scrooge McDuck as i type these words. It’s one more piece of entertainment, but just because you’ve read Amazing Spider-Man for the last 20 years doesn’t give you any right to expect anything from the directors. You don’t get any say. Are we clear? Good.

4) Hangovers.

Let me ask you a simple question?

When you went to the pub/club last night, did anybody point a gun at you and make you imbibe whatever substances you had that you’re complaining about now?

No?

‘OKAY, Just one more Snakebite, but That’s IT!’

A Taser?

Did they threaten your family with death unless you did a line of 2CI? Would you be castrated if you didn’t have a jug of cocktails?

Nope?

Hmm.

Then, I guess it’s YOUR FAULT you’re wasted now. I mean, this is news, is it?  Drink/snort lots. Feel good then, feel like absolute shit now. That’s how it works. It’s like people being surprised by water coming out of a tap.  But it seems though you believe you are too special for this chemical process to happen to YOU! Stop tweeting. Get some coffee, some water, some orange juice and some food in you. You will feel better.  Right now, you are punching yourself in the face and asking us to feel sorry for you. And yes, you do have to go to work. It’s not your jobs fault you went to the pub, either.

Now, Lord knows I’m just as guilty of bitching on the internet as anyone else, So, here’s my solution:

I propose a Non Whine Status/Tweet-Off. As many of us put in a tenner or some similar amount as a pledge, Then we simply carry on with our lives. If you tweet a 1st World Whine, you’re out. Your pledge goes to the charity of the final winner’s choosing. We do this a monthly basis, just to kick ourselves of the habit of our Self Inflicted Entitlement Blues. I’m picking Shelter as my charity, because, well, personal reasons.

We CAN do this.

Let’s get over ourselves.

(I’m expecting a bunch of ‘It’s my Facebook/Twitter and I’ll whine if I want to.response as I believe you’re a bunch of solipsistic, self involved whiners who’d rather curse the darkness than light a candle.  Try and prove me wrong for a change, aye?)

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