by Nevs Coleman

Strippers Vs Werewolves.

Wes Craven, you deserve better than this. Saying that, Lucy Pinder deserves better than this.

Normally, I LOVE trash films like his. Heck, I’ve got ‘Cockneys Vs Zombies’ on preorder after being taken to see it at Frightfest this year.

But this..Well, Here are my comments on Twitter after watching it.

Stephen Berkoff. In Strippers Vs Werewolves. (Incredibly, not as funny nor as well acted as his ‘Heavy Electrticity’ segment in Brass Eye.)

Thus Far, No Lucy Pinder. (And there wouldn’t be. For quite a while. Some people would call her appearance a ‘cameo’ rather than actually put it on the advertising.)

If this film had been called ‘Fat Werewolf Wanking’. I probably wouldn’t have bought it. I’m just saying.

Here. it’s that bloke from those insurance ads. The ‘Cor Blimey, The scales are off balance’ ones.  He was also Jasper Carrott’s comedy partner in that odd cop show that the BBC put out in the 80’s. And possibly Jesus. I’d look it up, but I imagine he doesn’t want this film on his Imdb profile.

Hey, it’s a hilarious rape & kill scene. classy stuff, Strippers Vs Werewolves. I hoped that this would go SOMEWHERE. Like the terrible ‘She has wot been raped but gets her revenge’ or something. Nope. Just a naked blonde getting raped, torn apart & then her head gets stomped on. No real reason.

Why is there a magician in this? Why not a magician who uses proper fireballs or turning things into frogs rather than moving rings about? 

It’s like enlightened female character writing by way of the fucking Spice Girls. I have come to regret this comment. On the grounds that i thought Emma Bunton was quite good in Absolutely Fabulous.

The blonde who was raped in the 1st sequence hasn’t come back and fucked up everyone. Fuck this.

By the way, whoever wrote this, gratuitous rape scenes don’t make you edgy, they just show off your total lack of imagination. In fact, this whole film is a shopping list of borrorwed  modern film techniques without adding anything even attempting innovation. All the Hard men are well ‘ard. The Beta males are well, rubbish, yeah, bruv? The smart gels know their stuff and the others are a bit dim because some girls just are a bit dim, you get me? Like some kind of sad mix of Matey Simon Pegg/Gavin & Staceyness with world-weary women who sigh their way through ads while those silly men wear jumpers and look gormless. It’s female character development on a regressive level that makes Joss Wheedon look like Gloria bloody Steinem.

‘Hey, it’s one of those post modern monologues a the end talking about ‘Hey, it’s just a movie’ in order to deflect critics whilst setting up a sequel. Haha. Not today pal…’

Actual dialogue: ‘I’m gonna kick you so slowly, Your driving license will expire before you do.‘ If anyone can work how this makes any sense as a threat or a joke, you can have my copy of this. Seriously.

I really thought this school of BritShit had died out with the likes of Gangster No.1 and Love, Honour and Obey. Oh, well. I’ve never actuallybeen embarrassed to take a film to trade in before, but maybe I’ll cash it in & send the money to Rapecrisis. Maybe you should think about that too?

Or to save you time and the Fiver it costs in HMV at the moment. Imagine this:

Combined with this:

Anyway, here’s a picture of Lucy Pinder being hot, which is the best bit about it. Go get yourself a copy of Zombie Strippers instead. Same plot. Less shit.

‘Little Pig, Little Pig, Can i come in so I can FUCK YOU IN THE FACE?’

No, you can’t, you silly little boy, and turn down your Does It Offend You, Yeah? records while you’re up, will you?

Why do you get to judge? You haven’t made a horror film?’ No Sir, but i’ve never been into Scat  either, but I’ve got a pretty good idea when I’m looking at a pile of shit.

As of today (02/10/12) There are no reported plans for Strippers Vs Werewolves 2

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