Avengers/X-Men: The Lost Scenes
Since the publication of Avengers/X-Men 12, some previously aborted scenes have come to light.*
In the tradition of Norman Osborn now looking like Tommy Lee Jones and Nick Fury resembling Samuel L. Jackson, Tony Stark will talk like Eddie Murphy’s father from the sketch ‘Lillian’ included in the film ‘RAW’. Because Reasons.
INTERIOR of Run Down shack. This is the meeting place used for THE ILLUMINATI in previous issues.All of the previous members are there, except for Black Bolt, who is replaced by Medusa. CAPTAIN AMERICA is leading the meeting and is standing at the head of the table.
CAP: So, we have urgent news from Agent Brand of S.W.O.R.D. The Phoenix Force is coming back to Earth.
DOCTOR STRANGE: You mean that incredibly powerful force that wipes out galaxies. Took over Jean Grey’s mind & drove her to suicide?
PROF X: That would be the one, yes. I don’t see how Cyclops is going to take this well. He may well go Bat-Shit Crazy, in fact.
NAMOR: Ha! He knows doubt since I have bedded his Blonde Strumpet! Imperius Rex!
REED: The chances of Earth surviving a Phoenix assault are slim.
MEDUSA: Then this is truly our darkest hour….
NAMOR: I could tame this ‘Phoenix Wench’ with my Undersea love skills! Iimperious Rex!
MEDUSA: Hold…what is that noise, who ELSE knows of this place?
The DOOR OPENS.
IRON MAN FALLS THROUGH, LOOKING THE WORST FOR WEAR.
‘IRON MAN: Haaaz…Heeeeeeeyyy. Itsha A PARTY! NAMOR, Ya FISHY BASTARD! HOW IS YAAAAAA!!!!???
CAP: TONY? WHY ARE YOU IN THIS STATE?
IRON MAN: It’sh The OdinSleep Day…,Hahahaha. Me and Volstagg…We got WAAAAASSSTTTEEEDDDD! HARGHHARGH!HARGH!
MEDUSA: IRON MAN, You MUST sober up, we have something of the most dire consequence. The Phoenix Force is coming to Earth. We face…our gravest threat.
IRON MAN: Ooooh….Tha..Thash…BAD!
PROF X: Indeed.
IRON MAN: SO, Er, Why don;t we use the…The SHINIES!
IRON MAN; THE INFINITY SHINIES, FOOL!
PROF X: No! We mustn’t, We should only use them in times of …absolute peril…Oh, HANG on….
MEDUSA: Which would allow us to rewrite..Reality. With The Reality Gem you took from Parker Robbins.
NAMOR: That’s RIGHT. In Avengers issue 12, Vol…3? Who can keep up? Imperious Rex!
CAP: Well, that would be an answer, then. All in favour of simply wiping the Phoenix Force from reality via The Infinity Gems?
IRON MAN: YAY THE SHINIES!!!!
CAP: Next item….Lunch.
Aborted Scene 2:
CAP & IRON MAN are hanging about the Avengers Mansion, watching Homeland. CAP gets a call.
CYCLOPS: YOU ALL SUCK! WE ARE NEARLY EXTINCT! DON’T COME TO MY BEACH AND TALK TO ME REASONABLY ABOUT ANYTHING OR I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH EYE BEAMS!
CYCLOPS: I LIVE WITH MAGNETO. MAGNETO AND NAMOR! DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? AND THAT DAMN HOPE KID WON’T LISTEN TO ME!
CAP: Are you sure it was me you wanted to talk to? I can put you onto your Mother. She was right here.
CYCLOPS: MY RUBY QUARTZ VISOR CONTAINS MY EYEBEAMS! WE NEED MORE MUTANTS!
CAP: Did you know there was a fourth Summers Sibling? ‘Spitroast’ Summers, we call her.
CAP HANGS UP.
IRON MAN gets a call.
IRON MAN: Yo.
IRON MAN: NOVA? Shit, I thought you was dead. Where you at?
IRON MAN: SPACE? Come over, man!? No, it’s just me and Steve. Yeah, he’s alive. You missed some shit. Time Bullets. Or was that Batman? Who knows?
IRON MAN: Steve says ‘Hi’. Why you calling for, anyway?
IRON MAN: ‘Phoenix Force?’ Shit. That is some shit. Okay. I’ll deal. Best RUN, though, sucka.
CAP: Nova? He’s alive? Who knew? So…ah, the Phoenix Force? Should do something about that. Anyway. Off to send superheroes into other countries in their full costumes as Secret Agents. Gotta scoot. Don’t forget to do the Phoenix thing.
IRON MAN: Sure, Sure.
NIGHT TIME. IRON MAN is ASLEEP. His phone RINGS.
IRON MAN: …Yello? Jennifer, That you? Whatchu wearing Baby…hahaaargh, come here and cover MY briefs, hahaha.
CAP: I’M NOT SHE HULK, TONY.
IRON MAN:. Oh. My Bad. What’s up, Bucky? Lil Cap Jr?
CAP: It’s STEVE, Tony. Tell me you have that Phoenix thing in hand.
IRON MAN: Oh. Oh shit. Right on it now.
IRON MAN hangs up, Redials,
IRON MAN: No good barking World war 2 lazy I been in an ice-cube. Hell, I oughta WANDA, how you doin’ Baby?
WANDA: Hello Tony, how are you….Does…Does the Vision wish to see me?
IRON MAN: HELLS no! He thinks you some CRAZY LADY! Heheh, Me..I LIKE me the KER-AZY Chicks…heheheh..
WANDA; …Was there a reason you called, Tony?
IRON MAN: Oh, Oh. Yeah. Lissen, Lissen. Um, The Phoenix Thingy is coming to earth. Big bad, big Bad. We were wondering if you could do your ‘No. More…Thing..’ stuff on it.
WANDA: Oh..Uh, Okay. Anything else? There’s so much i could do, if only we had access to someone who is essentially a Mutant Power Amplifier easily lead by Alpha Males. or, failing that, Spider-Man.
IRON MAN: Oh, Oh, Yeah, we could do that. That would save a lot of hassle. Gimme a few minutes to call Scotty…
THE NEXT DAY, STARBUCKS. CAP, IRON MAN, WANDA MAXIMOFF AND HOPE.
CAP: Well, that was a great Latte. We all done here?
CAP: Let’s go feed some ducks.
HOPE: YAY DUCKS. Also, some reference to recent pop culture. Bat For Lashes? Adele? I don’t fucking know.
THE PARK. They all FEED SOME DUCKS.
CAP: Ready, Girls?
HOPE: Rate Giggles!
IRON MAN: Huh?
HOPE: I don’t know. Young people say it, I think. I saw it in the NME.
WANDA & HOPE hold hands. HOPE STARTS TO GLOW.
WANDA: NO MORE PHOENIX!
(In SPACE, THE PHOENIX stops Existing.)
CAP & IRON MAN: YEAAAA, BOY!
(The MEN CHESTBUMP.)
WANDA: SOME. MORE. MUTANTS?
(Lots of Mutants pop up around the world.)
IRON MAN: Glad we did that. all kinds of unnecessary bullshit could have happened otherwise.
CAP: You know it. Oh, pass me your phone.
CAP: SCOTT? That you? Yeah. We solved the whole ‘Serious Lack Of Mutants’ thing? Over a Latte. With some DUCKS.
IRON MAN: I HEARD NAMOR BANGED YOUR BROAD, SCOTTY! WHAAZZZZUUPPP WIT DAT, FOOL?
CYCLOPS. Alone in a room. Cries..
* This is untrue. I made this up.All of it. I’m not sorry.