All I can think of is Robin Williams in ‘Good Will Hunting’ saying to Matt Damon four words over and over:
‘It’s Not Your Fault.’
Blood Tests are in. It is what i thought it was.
So, it’s over. Over 30 year of self doubt, self hatred, drinking and other stuff in a desperate attempt to try and get away from that core self loathing. man, was I inventive at that. Every single thing I looked forward to, be it a toy, a comic, a game, a girlfriend, a job, a holiday, a state of enlightenment, a vitamin tablet, a drink, all consumed in a focused attempt to get away from myself. From the long periods of foggy, fatigued depression or the regret of another totally unnecessary drunken rage-fest.
Turns out I was just allergic to some food. If I had known I was allergic to that food, I wouldn’t have eaten it, it wouldn’t have brought on the low state, I wouldn’t have needed the kick to get free from it that didn’t work anyway, Such an idiot. Such a waste of time. But, I didn’t know. God’s Honest truth. If i did know, I wouldn’t have done…well, the things I’ve done.
So, yeah. it is a change of diet. Before anyone starts preparing their ‘Told you so’ speeches, everyone basically said ‘Eat Fruit and Exercise.’ NOBODY has ever, ever said ‘Is there a possibilty that you have an allergy to gluten that manifests itself as extreme, almost M.E. levels of fatigue and uncontrollable rage?’ I only clicked to the idea that something was up with what I was consuming after reading an interview with Tricky where he described his struggle with Candida and his experiences mirrored what my life was becoming. That’s not to be bitchy. I’m just trying to counteract potential comments. i do understand they were said with an eye to being helpful.
So, now what?
C/B.T for the ragey stuff (although that seems to have stopped since I knocked off the sauce.)I stop eating bread, dairy. There’s going to be the checking every bit of food and I am going to be that annoying person in the pub who has to check the menu for the words ‘Gluten Free’. I quit drinking a month or so ago. I’m still smoking and drinking the odd cup of coffee. There’s not really much else I can do but wait for the ‘bad’ food to flush itself out of my system which can take up to two years. And then, well, the heavy stuff starts.
I know I have done a fuckton of damage to people in my life, and I suspect ‘I’m sorry, Turns out me and Cheese Sandwiches REALLY don’t get on.’ isn’t going to be ‘enough’. I can’t do anything about what I’ve done except be incredibly, incredibly regretful for the friendships I’ve wrecked over the years. Maybe people will accept the apology. Maybe they’ve just written me off as an utter cunt. I wouldn’t blame them, but I’m going to get on with my life, regardless. If that means there are awkward social moments, so be it. I am truly sorry for the damage I’ve done to everyone, and I recognise that the fact that a few chemicals didn’t mix too well isn’t a very satisfying explanation, and it’s a lot easier to just brand someone ‘Bad Guy’ these days. Maybe my actions now will make a difference. We’ll see.
There’s quite a heavy thing I’ve been having to do this year, and the details of that aren’t mine to share. I wouldn’t have been able to help with that (Or sorting my own shit out.) if I hadn’t been for three words I read as a kid.
Pete Wisdom, Warren Ellis’s addition to Excalibur in the mid 90’s. There’s a scene where the W.H.O. agent and Kitty Pryde are sorting things out and she asks ‘Pete..er..is he always like this?’
The Agent replies with several defamations of Pete’s character and then recounts the story of Pete saving his daughter from Terrorists and getting her to the hospital with two bullets stuck in him. The W.H.O Agent says to Pete that there’ll be some kind of medal or something.
Pete replies ‘Don’t worry, it needed doing.’
‘It needed doing.;
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.
So, thank you for writing that, Warren. Again, the details aren’t mine to share, but there are a few people who are walking around who might not be if I hadn’t read those words.
Ta for reading. Got to go to work. Try to be kind in the comments, aye?
(Oh, and if any of you DO have Pryde and Wisdom 1-3, published by Marvel in the 90’s at some point, gimme a shout. i’m missing those.)