So, I guess I’m taking a page out of Tony Effing Harris’s book here. And thinking of something Starblade Norris said to me a couple of months back.
Those of you who’ve known me for a bit are more than aware that I’ve had some issues trying to basically sort my head out. Wrong diagnoses, problems with prescription meds, alcohol issues, anger problems, problems with permanent housing, keeping jobs, discovery that most foodstuffs would keep me in an endless cycle of exhausted mania or depression. That kind of wacky hilarity over the last few years.
Despite everything that’s happened, I know I’ve probably had more support than I probably deserved from a lot of you, and via asking questions on here and such, I’ve managed to sort my head out, mainly. I’m a lot more stable and calm, and rather surprised myself by keeping my cool in situations lately that would have been trigger-worthy to a full on DefCon Nevs Explosion.
While my response to some of your suggestions of what I needed to do to get better wasn’t entirely gracious, it was mainly fuelled by having heard them before, tried them and found them to be of no use. To be fair, it was unlikely that anyone would have guessed ‘Don’t eat Gluten, avoid all booze.’, but there is something incredibly frustrating about being told ‘You just need to get up and get over it.’ when that wasn’t really the solution and the implication that it was merely a case of willpower and I’d given myself a case of ‘Learned Helplessness’ was…annoying, to say the least.
So, why am I writing this?
I suppose as the gluten, dairy and booze has cleaned itself out of my system, I’ve ‘woken up’ a bit to what happens. I apparently used to see all human interaction as some kind of game where anything that wasn’t directly in front of me wasn’t important and as everything could easily be forgotten by me if shown the right distraction, I assumed the same was true of everyone else and it was just a case of ‘getting over it’.
Well, um…I guess I was wrong on that one, huh?
A fair bit of getting my life together has been to see what’s left, and a few trips to a couple of old haunts has led me, via a bunch of dirty looks and awkward conversations, to conclude ‘Not a lot.’ I’m a lot less surprised and annoyed than I would have been. I’m aware there are more than a few ‘That time Nevs lost his shit.’ stories doing the rounds (‘From out of the frying pan into the fire.’ being my current favourite.) I’m afraid most of them are probably true, I’m not proud of it, and I can only ascribe it to a mental state I had no control over. I won’t be going to those places again, as I have no desire to be reminded of that time nor to deal with people who aren’t willing to deal with how I am now.
In the last few months, I’ve had people in my life who have essentially done to me what I’d been doing to others for a long time, which previously wouldn’t have bothered me when I was unwell. Now I am, and I’m more than aware of what a kick in the head, heart, soul and wallet those actions can be in a way I wasn’t previously, and am incredibly mortified than I could have caused so much hurt to anyone.
I can only offer a pitiful apology to those I have harmed with the entirely undeserved hope that those who’ve been hurt by my actions realise that those actions were not ‘me’ but that illness that I strive everyday to overcome.
Finally, I should, in the sake of honesty,confess that I had half a JD & Coke last night. I needed to know if I could control the booze, and I’m pleased to say I could. After a few sips, I put the drink down and went back to the orange juice. And say that while most of the people I hurt with my actions didn’t deserve it, there’s more than a couple I’m only too pleased not to have in my life anymore. If there’s one thing I believe, it’s that if you truly want redemption, you can’t just say ‘I’m sorry.’ and be done with it. You have to amend your actions whether anyone’s watching or not.
I’m back to Day One with the booze. I wish you all well.